All or nothing in Walking away and into the New

Z asked to remain distant friends while he sorts out what he wants to do. I guess he doesn’t want “us” and our intimacy to cloud his judgment. Makes sense and I’m okay (at least for now) not seeking something from someone else. I need to accept that a lot of the things I wanted to do this summer with someone will likely not happen.

With cutting our chords, my obsessiveness isn’t there…but then numbness or even dispassion takes its place. It’s what happened before…I remember logically what happened, but can’t attach it so emotion. I suppose it was mitigation of pain…and it works but to what cost? I guess T still thinks of me sexually, but I can’t do the same. If you say friends, it’s friends otherwise I feel I’m crossing his boundaries. But with that, I can’t create stories with new characters or think of anyone else like that because I respect him. When you cut off a part of yourself, it’s felt all over. Don’t know if this is good or not. Veronica would think about anyone…maybe even someone’s husband sexually and NOT feel guilty about it…not self sabotage for it. She would continue to try to date to get her needs met and maybe even not tell him. But Mandy is so, so, so loyal and devoted. We never were exclusive…but behaved as if we were.

In another realm…

Z is away for a long time to focus on work and family and gives Mandy permission and encouragement to date while he’s gone. He asks for space because he may decide to live there long-term and he knows she’s tied to back home. But he knows his Mandy…knows how devoted and loyal she is. She calmed after the first few weeks and but on the last week of the month when she accepted an invitation for dinner from someone, she called saying how guilty she felt for going....for Z and the random guy’s sake. She couldn’t picture this man dominating her or cuddling with her…it was too soon and too unfamiliar. Z and her had only been dating almost two months, but their connection was undeniable. What would happen? What did fate have in store for them?

Off to the farmers market and the less serious dance class
Hershey is listening to morning calm music
Seeing Gelly later
We’ll see if Z really does want to go to VF with me
sent dad a singing cat video this morning :)

No dreams to remember…
No angel numbers yet…
love