He's leaving in Walking away and into the New

I’m not sure what my previous entry said, but if I asked the universe for clarity…it couldn’t be more clear. Z is moving back to a state to return to a job he loves before the end of the year. He waited to tell me for two days because he didn’t want it to be true. He told me before he was supposed to come over yesterday and he came over anyway. It was a beautiful night. He showed me videos of what he used to do and still loves and we talked about staying connected up until he leaves in person. We both seemed to be okay with continuing to date accepting the reality and were intimate. But the next day, he decided (being the logical one) that it would be too painful and we should be distant friends. I blamed myself…wondering if I wasn’t “good enough” or about what I did wrong. He had not one negative thing to say and essentially couldn’t trust himself to stick with his decision because of his very strong attachment to me. I in no way would ever discourage him from following his heart to go back to what he loves…but I guess just trying to be friends reduces his anxiety and ultimately is the mature way of handling this. Hurts like hell though :(

But next time…I really want to do this the right way.
Male older than me
An older child in chronological sibling order
Financially stable and thriving with stable work he is passionate about-job security
Ds in some form
No children, doesn’t want children

Meet earlier on, but only in public
Exchange information more slowly
Match with the balance of give and take
testing before intimacy-and wait for a while

But I don’t really want to think about that too. I know not everything was peachy keen with Z…but he was the healthiest and kindest person in my life for this short time and woke me up to my love to take care of my partner…and what a connection can be like.

Apparently I’m going to make some new and long lasting connections next according to the stars. Positive things are on the horizon it says…
but right now, I need to recover from this emotional pain. :( I can’t watch his videos he sent me anymore or relisten to his voice messages…damn :(

Positives:
Seeing a clt in person I’ve been working with a long time-loved it
Watching the Moth Man episode on Unsolved Mysteries
Z calling me and actually talking to me about his decision and being really kind and having good judgment
Hershey is healthy again
Keeping my ED mostly under control despite the painful emotions
Watching highlights of the Olympics
Hearing the storm
Hope?

:(
love