Feeling nothing in Walking away and into the New

I don’t remember the last time I cried and really can’t access my emotion. Either this is one low grade dissociative state, continuous and lingering…or I’m hypomanic without the manic part? I feel the emotions…but can’t cry. Haven’t been angry…nothing.

Things are continuing with Z. S couldn’t handle just being friends and A took advantage of me. This isn’t my ideal and what I wasn’t expecting next…but he seems like a good person and we’re benefiting from being in each other’s lives. The sexual chemistry is there only that my body doesn’t feel fully safe for some reason. It’s not like how T used to handle me. It’s not bad different, just different…and I feel like T kind of hypnotized me to respond to him and his voice and sequence of events with my body. I don’t know how to break out of it.

I miss parts of the relationship that I can’t find with Z, but I know that’s not fair. We’re not bf gf but I’m treating him like he’s with me because I run on all or nothing and don’t know how to change that. I’m being so giving and supportive and kind and thoughtful…and it’s just who I am. I can’t say he’s matched me, but maybe he will…maybe it’s a timing thing?

What if I’m blocking us from our people?
This moon cycle, I asked to get in more touch with my intuition and I have had not one teacher, one song, book, movie, dream, angel number sequence, experience…nothing to manifest it. Why? Is it my energy with Z that’s stopping everything? I don’t understand.

Where are my emotions? Yesterday I overate/mini binged and today I just feel out of control with everything. Last night I had super low self-esteem when watching the opening ceremonies with him…just not feeling good enough…feeling he will cheat or leave me…and I’m trying to conceal my mental health. But it’s here and it will come out as it will. If only I could access these tears. Why am I so sad? Or is this even my sadness?

August 6th isn’t a long way away. I wonder if I’m starting to remember Timmers. I DO remember him…but just this time of year. K tears welling up with writing that. Timmers and Ricky and T. Let’s just call him Tom now since he’s the ex…they all had elements of my dad and Emily really liked them. I can’t figure out the energy of Z but it’s hard to relax around him and be myself. That’s not his doing…it’s my own. This is a healthy connection it seems…and I’m not used to it.

Z is an INTJ. I’m an INFJ. Will, Brennan, and I think Travis were his sign. I just find myself being so mature with him. I don’t even think I baby talk animals when I’m around him? dunno.

Dad is now being fully open about his health stuff with me and I’m the person that updates anyone else.

Changes.

5 things:
feeling a little more prepared for meals this week
days off of work
spending time with Z
dad seeing my place and Hershey
maybe I’ll watch a movie tonight…maybe something sad. I just want to feel

love