The next morning in Walking away and into the New

Feeling sad. Maybe it’s T’s energy. I checked in and don’t really think it’s about guilt. None of my parts are upset. It’s maybe the knowing that I can’t help him and this also won’t go anywhere. But something is better than nothing and our connection was always unconventional. I did watch three warning signs that came across on a video feed about dating. T fits all three. And I know that…and I attract men like that. I would have made it work if he didn’t just give up and if he wasn’t so guarded and defensive…if… and I guess the list goes on. I guess that’s the point. So this really is friends with the side of our connection that was originally our base line. He was just so sincere yesterday with no hidden motives and always checking in on me. I told myself it’s okay maybe twice and then felt comfortable again. There was no threat. There wasn’t even lifestyle. I don’t think it’s a have your cake and eat it too situaiton, but time will tell.

Going to meet L today for a walk at the mall. I’m cautious about her ever since what happened. Keep telling myself that she was hurt and is hurting and FE kicks in and empathizes. it’s not even Scorpio qualities…so am still assessing it in the background. Goal: Not be overly honest to anyone. I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want my other parts to get triggered. T and I need to stay in our bubble. It’s only known here. I never was able to keep my own secrets. Lack of boundaries? Feeling that withholding is a lie? Not sure. I guess I lied to everyone about Scott for months to not burden or worry them. Had I not, maybe it wouldn’t have crescendoed to what it did. So I guess I can keep them. This one will be a constant reminder though.

Today was slow going and sadness is so heavy… heavy like the hiking backpack that the character in Wild is wearing. Still going to get things done. I’m not as far as I should be on the weekend, but there’s still time. Make smoothies. Clean. Maybe workout.

I just wish I could help him :(
love