Works on paper... in Walking away and into the New

Thinking of T, part of me has considered having the type of relationship our star charts says we have, which is not main stream. That could have been the lifestyle, but beyond that too…what if fwb really could work with him? The problem before has been that one or the other had the desire for something more. This time though, isn’t it clear? Even if he were to say his famous lines, “I’m going to marry you someday,” it’s not believable. We’re somehow maintaining a friendship over text and in person at times and we still have sexual chemistry…still love to play…so it could work. I know Mandy would want more because she is the part of me that always loved him, but maybe the others could keep her in check. Emily isn’t at risk because we’re not relying on him for security. It might be hard for her to see Evvy and then leave but we’ve done it before. Kara and Sara are at peace overall since we’re no longer feeling trapped or unsafe. But Kara of all of them would likely have issues with this. She doesn’t trust him. M said he’s not my friend. She has nothing against FWB, but believes that T is not the person to do that with because he’s ignored and violated my boundaries so many times. I don’t see him saying no unless he’s worried Kara will eventually come out and try to set things straight. It may be risky, but it’s more risky with someone new while I’m in the healing process. This time I know I’m good enough and that I’m lovable and that’s new. I will date again and heal my heart before I do so. Next time though, I won’t be so open about my interest in the lifestyle. I want to let it unfold naturally. I don’t want to be a sexual conquest or teach a man how to Dom. Maybe the lifestyle isn’t even right for me anymore…but T and I shared that and as far as I know, he’s not dating anymore. Damn. I don’t know. Playing with fire.

Did you know that in my city it’s against the apartment rules or whatever to have a welcome mat in front of your door. What! In Burnsville, everyone had a mat and left their shoes out. Crazy how it’s so different.

I’m not sure what the universe is doing. My friend L and I are the same sun signs, met our exes at the same time and broke up at almost the same time, both have a sister, and have a history of trauma. And then another L person manifests and we seem to have even more similarities. It’s not a coincidence. There must be a reason. It’s like I’m reading a book, but it’s their life and it’s real… but it’s so familiar…am just blown away.

Mandy keeps showing me an image of her hands tied up above in front of her and him putting his hand over her mouth. Yes it’s a spicy scene, but it’s more about stepping in and out of fear and trying to feel trust and safety while having the rush of adrenaline. She is completely naked and vulnerable, but his goal isn’t to punish or cause severe pain or break her down. She doesn’t have to dissociate to survive this time. Even if it were more hard core, she would know that it’s only play and that he’s the same person but not in an attempt to resolve her trauma history either. I can’t get past that scene.

Doesn’t the energy feel different today? The heaviness is lifting and things will begin to move forward again.

Positives:
realizing I make more than I thought I did-thanks three-year-old SE function
connecting with coworkers despite my anxiety
driving with the window slightly down singing 90s band music at the top of my lungs
mom, dad, Jen, Gelly are still here
the symbolism of searching so long for a pice of the puzzle when all along pieces were coming together on the side and only fit in the space grouped together. Some things just need to take time to fall into place.
Seeing everyone’s auras around the meeting room today

love

Last updated April 26, 2024