Shifting energy in Walking away and into the New

Maybe it’s because Mercury will be direct tomorrow, but I feel a shift. It feels like things are catching up to match what is here. Thoughts of living there with T seem like an almost distant memory even though it was less than a month ago. What I miss most about him is his kid like spirit and bluntness. He didn’t sugar coat and was all man. No metrosexual stuff. But on the other hand, my friend R was so respectful and I appreciated that too. T and I are opposites and an excellent pairing with INFJ (me) and ENFP (him) with our complementary functions. So different but we worked. Worked until we didn’t. Still trying to make sense of it.

Instead of running or going to the little gym here, I walked the trail at the nature center and appreciated all the animals. I don’t like it in the way that it’s confusing with the maps and the inner, outer, and side circles. I rather know where I’m starting and keep going until the end. Maybe I’ll figure it out more next time. I thought I shouldn’t be there alone…this is not something I should be doing alone. Then I remembered this stupid haircut and kind of accepted I’ll be single for a while because this is not attractive. They say longer hair is harder to style. Nope. A straightener or some product solves that. Mid length hair is a nightmare especially when my round brush became stuck in my hair when I was trying to do the fancy bang curl thing. It made me late for my first call and I was worried I’d have to cut it out. Instead, I pulled strands at a time. Returning that brush.
NTS Do NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER get a haircut or really do anything of value or importance…or any change of any kind during Mercury Retrograde. Just no.

What I like about living alone:
Things stay cleaner. Prep ahead of time and clean as I go…so it’s not a big deal at the end of the night.
I can workout and meditate in the same night.
There isn’t constant noise and I can leave the balcony door open and hear the car and city sounds.
All my meds fit on the right side of the first shelf.
There’s no shortage of bananas.
I can control my expenses to a certain extent.
It’s a gluten free kitchen.
I don’t have to stay pent up somewhere or feel guilty about taking up space with working from home.
There aren’t Magic cards or messes all over.

But I miss living with a man. I do :( I’m okay with cleaning up.

Miss his commands. They put me in sub space. But I don’t miss his immaturity and yelling and using my mental health and trauma against me. I need to look at both sides.

When I think of Mandy aging or evolving, that can be a constant. With myself though, it’s not. Mandy can maintain her spirit and soul over time…I don’t feel that way. I still want to be her. The other parts can join, but predominantly want to be her.

I’ll try not to look at the men I come across like “Are you my next boyfriend? Are you my next boyfriend?” like that childhood book Are You My Mother? But every night I want to type to T that I love him and miss him. Oh well. Need to let my heart heal.

Positives:
the nature center and especially the family of geese
trouble shooting with technology when all hell broke loose this morning
jen’s message
people actually say hello in this city compared to Uptown
didn’t make any ghastly decisions today. Go me.

love