What just happened in Walking away and into the New

I met him after getting through the workday.
He remembered more about me than I of him. We talked, but I couldn’t feel comfortable and I craved that. I was very insecure and probably oversharing. He brought me a gift. He shared personal things. At one point, he asked to touch my hand. His chart confirms he’s a Scorpio ascendant. INFJ and enneagram 9. It was okay but I think he wanted to do something more. If it were easy and if it felt comfortable, we could have saw a movie or played pool. It was awkward and I felt obligated to say we could do more. Something triggered me and I don’t know if it was before or after he reminded me that my previous profile was under Mandy. Why would that trigger me? He said we had talked about the lifestyle before…and I just got flustered. I wanted to leave but knew that would be that. I wanted to leave but knew we could carry on the night. The old me would have brought him back here…even just to go into the other sitting room…but I felt too triggered and too self conscious…and I let the meeting end. He was disappointed and I know he wanted more physical touch. We hugged. He was wearing Steelers. I was aloof.

Then I wanted to cry when he left…but not because of him perse…more because I don’t know why I was so triggered and I just wanted to call T and tell him about it. I wanted T to show up and help me feel comfortable there. What’s wrong with me? Does Mandy trigger me now because of T? I don’t understand what happened.

I feel ungrounded and out of body. He reminded me of Sean…but he wasn’t…and he was a man…and I just didn’t feel okay. I still don’t feel okay. Don’t know what wrong with me :(

I just inhaled dinner for blood sugar and am trying to make sense of what happened. Why am I so so so triggered right now? So much that I can’t open up the picture he sent that he took of us. I probably wasted an opportunity. And I think…how will I ever get over this and supposedly meet the man I’m going to marry. Whomever it is, I don’t want to feel like this around him. I’ll know it’s right when I don’t feel like this. Seriously. Did stuff with T cause more trauma? So much happened in two years and I feel so different than how I was back then when Mandy was on a mission of finding someone new. I heard her name and I freaked out. She’s part of me though…that’s unhealthy :(

What was the point of that meeting? I could see him on Sunday because he’s here all day. It’s an hour and a half but we could meet half way and yet…for some reason I just can’t.

Why do I want to burst into tears now? I don’t understand :(
Why can’t I think of him as a friend?

What has happened to me? :(

positives:
healthy boundaries I guess
seeing Hershey when I got home
figuring out that I think tomatoes really cause an immune reaction
remembering 1/2 caf this time
being here as I’m dissociating and not still out with him
giving the vitamins away

He’s not a bad guy…but yet I’m having this reaction.
Don’t understand :(
Doesn’t feel safe right now. Why? :(