oct 22 in idea barrages

Why say “occasional diarrhea” when you can say “shittermittent”?

Whenever a website begs me to remove my adblocker, it’s like a really sleazy dude begging to not wear a condom. Like, I know you want your money shot but I do not in anyway want your viral load.

Why call it an “umbilical cord” when you can call it “Birthworm Jim”?

If you think about it, Doctor Drew minus Doctor Dre gives you W. And like, I can see that math creating George W Bush, yes.

The Blue Man Group are what happens when we thin the herd of the Smurfs natural predator The Gargamel. Gargamel heads look great mounted over the fireplace, granted, but this is what happens when you overhunt and throw off nature’s balance.

It’s not that it’s difficult to sexually satisfy a mime, it’s more that it’s hard to know if you ARE sexually satisfying a mime.

After the atom bombs fall and the dust clears, the final war of all will be fought between the two conspiracies behind it all, Ducks Unlimited and its mortal adversary Ducks Extremely Limited. There will be no bombs or guns left to fight with. Their only weapons will be ducks.

TRUE FACT: Someone in college told me I looked like John Popper and I haven’t worn sideburns ever since.