Unscheduled Staff Meetings. in The Napkin.

Slept in until noon. This isn’t anything special for a day off - I sleep in until noon even when I have workies. (What’s 2-12, second shift?)

Punch line is I still wake up at dawn, around 6-7am, every day. I get up, pee, and go back to bed.

Eyemasks: They’re a valuable investment.

Does anybody else pace as much as I do? After I finished elimination procedures this morning, I just kind of paced around my apartment, thinking. Yup. Mindless staff meetings. Some tangenting into how nothing makes me happy. Which isn’t entirely true, but also meh.

But three hours? It took an hour for my eyes to stop burning (thanks rain), and it was around 3pm that I was “Yeah, I think I’ll go out to fetch cat food and human food.”

When I got home last night around midnight, I consumed some stromboli, and zoned out on my couch until I realized it was 3am. Just hit F5 on my phone a lot, not really doing anything.

That is to say.

It might be less that I’m not enjoying life, and some iota that I’m not really trying.

It’s a stock line to say “I work, sleep, and that’s that.” But, am I trying to do anything?

It’s a conceit, for sure.

Like, have I tried getting up a little earlier before work to get that zone-out time in? It takes hours, but it is possible for me to hit the end of whatever train of thought I’m on.

I’m proud of myself for getting back into lifting last year. It proved “yeah, I can do what I put my mind to.” And while I’d like lifting to be something, it can’t be everything.

God damn, I’m not self-motivated at all.

Sure, I have social anxiety, but when I’m around the right people? If I’m around the right person, and there have been plenty quality humans in my lifetime, the staff meetings stop, and I can exist in silence.

Society teases how boys get together, play video games, and don’t talk about anything.

But dude, doesn’t the ability to exist without personal or interpersonal drama sound amazing? Some part of women culture is jealous of us. : P

Guess it’s… if I’m going to be alone, I should form a better relationship with me? I have a tendency to use others voices in my head, as they are stronger than mine. Me saying “You can do this” a thousand times is still not as powerful as a friend saying “Hey, you got this” once.

Anyway. Still have some romaine lettuce in the fridge, so I’m going to have a bowl of taco tonight. What’s on the menu for you?