UCM, Part I: Endgame. in The Napkin.

So, without watching anything prior, I watched Endgame last night.

I found the CGI distracting. I’m not even talking about the video game action cut-sequences. Giant purple dude took me out of the movie. Giant green dude took me out of the movie.

Punchline: Talking squirrel didn’t take me out of the movie at all. Kind of liked him. It’s weird what the brain will and won’t accept.

Another example: Near the end, there is a very long panning shot. It’s clearly a “hey, remember these people? And these people?” I obviously didn’t, but I can recognize a shot for what it is. And just FELT that clearly these people were not on the same set. I looked and their feet were on the ground. But they didn’t FEEL like they were in the environment. Hard to put my finger on.

Maybe my TV is too good. I think it was streaming in 4K.

I found the score lackluster. The more contemporary music pulses just… took me out of the movie.

I liked the beginning. Bananaboy was being super stoicdude, but eh. I’d also swear they CGI’ed his eyes to be more blue.

I enjoyed Big Lebowski George Kirk.

As for the action, I might have enjoyed it when I was 8. Things go punch punch and boom boom. I’m sorry but when giant purple dude is punching Lebowski Kirk in the face, and doesn’t die, well. Plot armor is a little too thick. People getting thrown down stairs without a single broken bone? MAX LEVEL PLOT ARMOR.

So. There’s no tension for me.

I thought the premise was interesting, but should have taken the movie in an entirely different direction. Oh, you’re not going to like this.

Half of all life is gone.

Okay.

…I’d like to see that. Instead, all we see are a bunch of supers having feelings. I like feelings. But, what is going on in the world? There’s a passing reference to the Mets. It immediately made me think:

If half of all baseball players are killed, YOU STILL HAVE ENOUGH PLAYERS FOR A LEAGUE.

But then there’s something far, far worse. After five years, the world adapts to half its population. Sure, it’s sucktown. But then you DOUBLE THE POPULATION OVERNIGHT?

You thought it was a nightmare before, CAN YOU FUCKING IMAGINE THAT? Overnight, you have to double your food productivity. Overnight, there would be INSANE FAMINE. Skyrocketing unemployment! Housing crisis!

NEVER ADDRESSED.

But, this isn’t an Arnold action flick that sometimes has Sci-Fi undertones.

This is turn your brain off and don’t think about it.

I feel like this would have also worked as a six-part Netflix series. Watchable, but not that big of a deal.

Going backwards, I’d like to see more of Lebowski Kirk. Bananaman seems like kind of a douche. I… am drawing a blank on most of the rest of the cast. Antman seemed interesting, though gosh that CGI helmet everyone used, ugh.

Also, the rated PG-13… I don’t need gore, but. It was sooooo clean.

And where did this Comic Book Final Battle take place? Angel Grove? Geez. I just don’t feel the stakes at all.

Whelp, now I know what Avengers are avenging: half of life. Cool. I believe next on my reverse-release date order is Captain Marvel, which I’ve heard is a dumpster fire. That’s good - my expectations will be beyond low. Just how much of a Mary Sue is she? ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!