Mothers with NPD in All

"Mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are in a very good position when you think about it. Where else would a Narcissist get such a ready, biddable, vulnerable source of Narcissistic Supply than from her own children?

These women have, of course, all the specific traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But they have a few other tricks too, especially for their children.

They fall into two categories - engulfing mothers who see no boundaries between themselves and their daughters, and ignoring mothers who don't particularly even see their daughters, and certainly don't care. Each is hugely dysfunctional and damaging.

One trick, or aspect, of narcissistic mothers, is that they're quite often nice. This can be so confusing - part of the head-wreckingness of this whole NPD. The niceness always has strings attached though.

One of Narcissistic mothers' favourite tricks is invalidation, including a particularly nasty and insiduous form of invalidation called gaslighting. No matter what emotions or memories you bring up, they'll dismiss them. This leads you to not knowing which way is up. Are they really toxic, or are they right about it all being your fault? They master various forms of abuse, including forcing their children into the Golden Child or Scapegoat roles, and pure and simple bullying.

They're emotional vampires, feeding off yours and others' tragedies, and always dismiss or otherwise ruin your successes and celebrations. I found therefore that dealing with my narcissistic mother involved only the most banal of conversation - I could share neither my highs nor my lows.

They also have the twin cruelties of parentification and infantalisation, where they get you to parent them and keep you dependant on them respectfully. A narcissistic mother could do either or both of these.

Another one of their tricks is triangulation, where they make themselves the pivotal point of the family dynamic and everything has to go through them. Add to this, many narcissistic mothers' extreme vanity, and their sometimes bizarre attitude towards sexuality, and you have quite a combination.

Mothers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder can't do it alone, of course. They need help, and Enabling Fathers are the perfect ones to give them that help.

For a kind of a bitter laugh, check out the Narcissistic Mothers Dictionary, and see how they use words differently from the rest of the world."

• Danu Morrigan http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/

Last updated April 24, 2014