dec 26 in idea barrages

If you gotta say “I don’t mean it in a weird way” you know that you mean it in the WEIRDEST way.

I’ve explained to so many gas station clerks what the lotto-quick-pick Super Pack is might as well be a roving trainer for the NY Lottery. On one hand, this says I play the lotto too often but on the other, it confirms I don’t spend all that much on it. Kinda cancels out.

On actual Twitter, bird watches YOU!

I just hope that some day the reunion show for House will literally be called This Old House.

“A little spotted dick for your pud?” was once a legitimate British sentence and we as Americans screwed it up by explaining what we were laughing about. It was like Adam and Eve biting the apple and being expelled from paradise. we did this to ourselves. This is our fault.

This was all written in the stars the moment our culture rolled over and allowed “Paul Blart Mall Cop” to be an acceptable title for a movie as opposed to what a Ouija board would say if you summoned a dead acid-freak free associating.

If you hook your toilet’s flusher up to a Clapper, not only are things more sanitary but you also get to call it The Crapper and sing “Crap on! CLAP CLAP! Crap off! CLAP CLAP CLAP!” to make the excrement go way. That’s just a win-win scenario there.

Homebrew sub-race: Dorfish Dwarf. Plus-2 Charisma, minus-2 Intelligence, minus-2 Wisdom. Bonus language, Swedish. Bonus tool proficiency, Golf Clubs. Can shift to Medium size whenever advantageous by just getting up off their knees.