aug 13 in idea barrages

I hope Elton John and Billy Joel have a falling out and Elton writes a diss track called POCKET MAN about how Billy is so tiny he can keep him in his pants with his wallet and cellphone.

If you needed to gender-flip Augustus Gloop for an adaptation of Willy Wonka, may I suggest the name “Diane Betes”?

Everyone gets reconstructive surgery. The new thing is gonna be deconstructive surgery, hipsters are gonna get it ironically.

My mind was just assaulted with a vision of the pope holding a yard sale. Dickering with people over the shroud of Turin. Am I remembering an Onion article or is this what my mind is just going tonight?

If you’ve been insulted so badly you get the runs, that’s just dissentery.

“I’m here to do two things,” you tell your rival, “kick ass and chew bubblegum…” you lean in close to their face and then whisper, “and I just shoved all the bubblegum up my ass.” This will let them know you are deadly serious.

If you trick a British person into saying “Jesus H Christ” they will say “Jesus Haitch Christ” realize how awful that sounds and start saying letters the American way. Nary another “zed” will pass their lips again.

If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, absolutely be alarmed. Don’t listen to Led Zepplin, they were paid off by Big Hedgerow to spread profitable lies.