june 30 in idea barrages

LESS SNOWING, MORE MOWING

The problem with drinking only one cup of coffee this morning, so that I could go back to sleep after working the early shift, is that I woke up with a caffeine withdrawal headache. This is a microform of all the paradoxes inherent to being alive.

“Weezer should’ve quit after the first two albums?” Justin Timberlake asks, “Yeah, that’s cool. But do you know what’s REALLY cool?” He pulls close to your ear and whispers conspiratorially. “Pearl Jam should’ve quit after the first two albums.”

“Don’t bother trying to make him take off that disgusting fursuit,” she said, “hell hath no stench like a furry shorn.”

If you play a Solja Boy record on a Victrola, you can literally crank that Solja Boy.

The collective noun for a bunch of boring white guys with haircuts like their dads own BMW dealerships is called A Bachelor. Example: “Look at those douchebros, that is a virtual bachelor of douchebros.”

In Lancaster, you have the adorable Pennsylvania Dutch, they sell pretzels and wave to the kids. Up here, we have crust-punk Amish that beat their kids in the street and text-and-drive from their horse carts. Up here, they’re just anti-vaxxers that make fudge.

Libertarianism is just feudalism with extra steps.