apr 8 in idea barrages

Nearly any curse can be improved by introducing the adjective “lemon-scented” before it.

They no longer want to be called “drill sergeants” they now prefer “personnel trainers”.

In the middle of all this madness and sadness, I can’t help but think… my dad would’ve been FASCINATED by all this, he’d’a been glued to the cable news, watching it unfold. Weirdly? I’m sorry he missed it.

Sometimes, my brain will start a parody song without me. “Some-BOD-y once told me/they don’t like Beefaroni/and so Chef Boyardee wants them dead/they were looking kind of glum/underneath all the weight from/the pasta bounty on their forehead”.

Social media, March 14 2019: “hey, look at all these memes punning on Pi and Pie!” Social media, March 14, 2020: “hey, looks like a racist game show host just exacerbated a plague!”

One of the few silver linings of this whole mess is turning on sports radio and hearing everyone just flounder endlessly. Hours and hours of weird dudes talking about how they have nothing to talk about, theorizing how long they’ll have to do this.

The main similarity between a good plate of sushi and a bad Saint Patrick’s Day parade is the abundance of pickled ginger.

The reason church sucks all the life out of you is that Mass equals energy times the speed of light squared and, yeah, it certainly feels like it converts that much motivation away.