Entries 5,130

Page 96 of 206

1.) Whenever the last Sears closes, I hope someone named Roebuck starts laughing hysterically, not even knowing why. 2.) Your band will be called The Admiral & Commander Tenille. 3.) Your par...

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1.) His supposed culinary genius was a fraud, basically just smoke and mirepoix. 2.) As long as this fake president occupies the White House, the Secret Service can be better referred to as “The ...

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1.) Tonight I learned that the host of “Supermarket Sweep” also played the son of the Howells on “The Harlem Globetrotters Visit Gilligan’s Island” and in some small way the world makes a little ...

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1.) Here they come, here they come, like they’ve always done, stigmatizing the ill instead of blaming the gun. 2.) The best thing about re-run game show channels like Buzzr is seeing the prizes ...

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1.) Your beat-boxing nom de guerre will be “Box Populi”. 2.) If you’re a long-distance trucker for Cheerios and your CB call-sign isn’t “Haulin’ Oats” you’re doing something wrong. 3.) COLONOSC...

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1.) Your seafood restaurant that objectifies the male servers will be called CODPIECES. 2.) In all things, I have always valued being interesting over being perfect, in food, in potential lovers,...

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1.) Your parody of “April Come She Will” will be a saucy interpretation of the Ninja Turtles canon. 2.) Late Capitalism is the Taco Bell Fourth Meal of economics. Or maybe it’s the other way arou...

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for now we see, as through the glass broken as through a screen of broken bleeding LCDs for now we see, as through the screen dimly or as if through a mirror half-shattered three-point-five ...

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“If she knows God-honest magic, though, why doesn’t she just make herself television-pretty?” I asked, “If that’s the only thing holding back her dream.” “For her, it’s not that easy,” Frank said...

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1.) for now we see, as through a glass broken/as through a screen of busted LCDs/for now we see, as if through a screen dimly or mirror half-shattered/through prismatic crazing, a fractal of frac...

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1.) Puttin’ out to the universe that I’m lookin’ for some concrete direction. I don’t know if there’s anything organized enough beyond the veil to answer back with an arrow but I may as well make...

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1.) That moment when you realize “Oh, I probably had blinding headaches yesterday because I forgot to take my blood sugar and blood pressure meds”. Getting old beats the alternative but… there ar...

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1.) I want some, like, really realistic pragmatic love songs on the radio. “Settle for me, it wouldn’t be the worst thing, settle for me, I’m not that bad”. 2.) If your book on the history of the...

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1.) An Old Navy Christmas ad involving the line “Sleep In Heavenly Fleece”. 2.) I mean, sure, there are times you just start singing “You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” in the style of Danzig. 3.) I ...

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I am no longer merely older than that age when celebrities die tragically to lock in their iconic beauty forever, some put it around twenty-seven, in fact I am almost too old to even be socially ...

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1.) A life defined by my many ironies in the fire. 2.) Voted “Thinnest Customer In The Salvation Army ” three years running. 3.) A super casual tabletop role playing game called WIZARDS AND WHATN...

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1.) How has Sir Mix-A-Lot never put his name on an infomercial blender? 2.) If you’re lucky, if you’re really lucky and you’re good, art is not just a slight delightment and art is not just an ar...

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1.) Kurt Cobain’s death is a Schrodinger’s box, really, he was a famous person you almost assuredly didn’t know. The truth of whether he killed himself or was killed is irrelevant to your life, w...

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1.) After divorcing over his drinking, she went from dearly belov-ed to beerly delov-ed. 2.) In Australia, it is tradition before using the bathroom first thing in the morning to greet the room “...

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1.) I want to believe myself desirable in an unconventional kind of way but lacking the evidence lately, I dunno. With everything that’s happened the last few months, I suppose I’m not exactly in...

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I people-watched inside the mall I broke for a brief burrito bowl I wandered for two hours leisurely remarking on what shops had changed I stuck a fiver in a mass...

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1.) Hepatitis-Cat is a relatively mild strain, it merely makes you into a beatnik. 2.) If Herman, Lily, Eddie and Grandpa were all murdered by a descendant of Van Helsing, would they change the n...

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1.) A SCENE FROM THE NERD DINER: “I don’t get it.” “What don’t you get?” “How is this dish The Aquaman Special? There’s no fish in it or, like, even kelp, it’s just curry.” “Yes,” she agreed, “it...

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1.) People watching in a mall, a burrito bowl, looking at what stores have changed, sticking a fiver in a massage chair, ending up in a bookstore, reading something I wanted to read but not enoug...

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1.) Your Steely Dan/Beastie Boys mash-up “No Sleep Til Brooklyn Owes The Charmer Under Me” will be the crowning achievement of an age that hasn’t achieved much. 2.) Put a friend in a gimp suit, o...

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