Entries 5,130

Page 75 of 206

The baseball team that I follow isn’t very good. I mean that literally, the Mets aren’t very good, they’re interesting but flawed, they’ll win more than they’ll lose, they just won’t finish anywh...

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Whenever a video has a hover-over for “click to enlarge” I always first read it as “click to enrage” which would be more honest to the nature of the internet, really. I don’t know exactly wha...

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The 1950s horror B-movie about my life would be called THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN’T SLEEP. I had the dream again, where I led a coup at Saturday Night Live to actually try to be funny instead of j...

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To inhale your own vomit and choke on it is called “aspirating”. Whenever our consumer culture is defended as “aspirational” it always makes a kind of sense the speaker doesn’t intend, choking ...

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A mash-up of Clapton’s “Let It Rain” and that “Jesus Is Just All Right” song. Similar structures. Someone got violently ill at the costume party so, thinking quickly, the hostess turned to th...

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Your imaginary friend controls her OCD with a figment spinner. Being a Mets fan is being at the casino and considering betting against them as a reverse jinx in hope of helping them beat a mu...

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You may be sick of my warnings against cloning forest animals but it bears repeating. Part man, part stonefruit, all cop. APRICOP. Look, I liked Spidey in the MCU too but this is two mega-c...

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The pirates raided the zoological research vessel with a hearty cry of CHIMPS AHOY! A mash-up of the Butthole Surfers’ song “Pepper” and the Soundgarden song “Black Hole Sun” called BUTTHOLE...

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Oscar Meyer, upon witnessing his son Nathan’s murder: “Kahn’s!!!” An ad using the song “I’ve got the world on a string” in an ad for tampons. The key to understanding how I use social medi...

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Translated to English, the creature I called Frank asked the group “Focus just on the scents for a moment, what are the background smells?” “Patchouli,” one student said. “Burning sage,” said ano...

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Whenever I see a bar referred to as “Such and Such Taproom” I always first read it as “Such and Such Tampon”. For those businesses sales, I hope I’m the only one. I just realized that when th...

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A head canon where the other parents in THE BRADY BUNCH both faked their deaths to get away from their awful children and hooked up with each other to have awesome adventures. I think I call it...

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When I was a little boy, they yelled at me all the time because my eyes were always in a magazine. Now they yell at kids for being on their phones and woulda thought me urbane. It’s all cycles,...

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Ken Griffey and Ken Griffey Junior both played major league baseball. The 2nd Ken was nicknamed “Junior”. We are only eight generations away from Ten Griffey. “People murdering each other ove...

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there are friends and then there are schmends people who you only know from the social media you may know this person friend-of-friend lists but you have never actually met in person that y...

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instead of asking other people to build an arts scene for you build it and do all the maintenance so you can enjoy the fruits of labour get out there and stick your neck out go out there an...

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if you can memorize the new players on your sports teams people you’ll never meet, every year, you totally have the brainpower to remember not to deadname the people you actually know ...

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there’s less money in telling people “don’t listen to anyone as your guru not even me, you gotta find your own path inside of you, by your own math” than “I know everything and if you j...

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In Hollywood, they die young and pretty. They die old and ugly in New York City. All the rest, both in-betweens and more’s the pity. All us rest are in-between and more’s the pity. New York ...

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1.) From the wrong angle, those Amish bonnets look like they’re wearing bras as helmets. 2.) LESS BUSINESS CASUAL, MORE BUSINESS CAUSAL! 3.) LESS SQUAD GOALS, MORE GOAT SQUADS! 4.) Optimism mus...

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“Why do you take your shoes off and perform just in socks?” I’m asked, time to time, I’ll reply, “I’m too germ-phobic to go barefoot.” Which is a very “me” answer, telling technical truth but eli...

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1.) I like my cheese like I like my skateboard parks. Totally shredded. 2.) I realize that “Instant Pot” is the name of a fancy rice cooker that hipsters glommed onto for, like, five minutes but ...

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1.) Instead of asking other people to build an arts scene for you then enjoy the fruits of it, go out there, stick your head out and build one. If you wanna make a scene, you gotta make a scene. ...

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1.) Deconstructing melodrama is just post-maudlinism. 2.) In Soviet Russia, Hustle respects YOU! 3.) Your line of Garbage Pail Kids knock offs about hipsters will be called Trash Fund Kids. 4.)...

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1.) LESS KEANU REEVES MEMES, MORE ALEX WINTER MEMES! 2.) Your movie about a German exchange student who can’t find love will be called LOVE POTION NUMBER NEIN. 3.) If you can memorize the new pl...

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