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A show. About a hotel. Run by witches. Called BROOM SERVICE. Had never listened to the full song “Pumped Up Kicks”, had never realized how little there is to it. It tries to stretch a half-wa...

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While you were sleeping, the spirit entered your room and sprinkled magic inspiration all over the keys, but the thing that did so was no muse, it was instead The Devil himself. Or herself, somet...

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He came from a long line of toilet paper craftsmen, traveling the world to ply their trade. It was only the arrogant egotism of Cliff that caused him to name the books after himself instead o...

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The optimal name for a haunted house is “The Best Little Gorehouse In Texas”, provided, you know, it’s in Austin or whatever. Your body, a scratch and sniff sticker, your consciousness, your ...

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A reverse chocolate chip cookie. A chocolate bar festooned with little cookie bits. Let’s do this, America. Okay, now we just gotta get RIVERS Cuomo to quit. Step 1: develop a THC-infused s...

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Television destroyed the market for recurrent short subjects in theaters, it was a real serial killer. The original slogan was “I’m thinkin’ about settling for Arbys” but “I’m thinkin’ Arbys”...

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Some would argue that their favourite TGIF sitcom / anime mash-up is URKEL 1/2 but there’s a lot to be said for FULLHOUSE ALCHEMIST. You know what I’d never thought about before? The old sitc...

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Your EDM DJ vampire persona will be called “Count Bassy”. Radio killed the gramophone star, gramophone killed the piano roll star, piano roll killed the dancing hall star. The reality you wer...

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We always talk about how long we get to live but we so rarely talk about how long we’re going to be dead, a number so close to infinity that it’s functionally indistinguishable from the infinite ...

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There aren’t enough books where the mystery writer tries their hand at detective work and turns out to be terrible at it. There would be more of them, I reckon, but few crime novelists would care...

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Microwaving Ellios alone at 3AM creates the legendary “impersonal pan pizza”. Did you see that show-off archer? His knees were quivering! LESS ICE CREAM SOCIALS, MORE PARFAIT PAR-TAYS! Wh...

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Sure, 45 minutes a day for a year can get you shredded abs but for a mere five minutes total with floss you can have shredded gums. That’s… close, right? Your Iowa college marching band style...

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They didn’t call the second Jumanji “Twomanji” because they’re cowards. Carpe Dulcis - See’s, The Candy Publish a magazine called POST-MODERN BRIDE. A “#1 Grandmother” mug is literally a ...

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If Captain Kangaroo were on today, Twitter would be organizing conventions for strange adult men who claimed they were into it because it’s “good television for all ages” but were all really in...

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Part of how we took down the Confederacy was as simple as flooding the market with counterfeits of their fake currency. You wanna bring down the neo-Confederacy? Start counterfeiting crypto-cur...

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CARRY ON MY SQUIDWARD SON, THERE’LL BE FISH WHEN YOU ARE DONE A gallery show of paintings inspired by the work of Frank Zappa entitled EASELS RIPPED MY FLESH. America, believing itself to d...

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Yes, you can bring your own lover to the brothel if you just need the bed, but there will be a porkage fee. There wouldn’t be much money to be made in a wings-focused restaurant themed around...

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Sometimes I think about ANIMANIACS and how Wakko, Yakko and Dot refused to bring their brother Malcolm-Jamal along for the ride. If we could just get the word “craveable” cancelled as offensi...

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Here’s something wild: Bruce Willis used to have hair. Really! I know, it’s like impossible to imagine but there it is. When I try to remember DIE HARD or MOONSTRUCK, my brain re-wrote him to b...

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I hope they call Shrek fan-conventions “Swamp Meets”. How did Cheetos settle on “Dangerously Cheesy”? Who stepped in to pull them back from “Hazardously Cheesy” or “Poisonously Cheesy”? The l...

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Watching the stands at Citi during the New York Mets game tonight, I remember why I am so comfortable in baseball stands and at comic-cons: both locations make me feel thinner and more in-shape...

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A painting of a Craftsman cordless drill with the caption: “This Is Not A Drill”. The painting will be called “The Treachery of Advertising”. An Alanis Morissette starring horror movie YOU OU...

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If we are lucky, very lucky, this life will have been as if it were a trip to some grand amusement park when we were children, so well-themed and so immersive we could have all sworn that it was ...

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Why say “corrupt petrol-state” when you can say “fuel economy”? Why say “Pizza Meal-Ready-to-Eat” when you can say “Prepperoni Pizza”? Nostalgia fandom is fighting the same war raging thru ...

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If they make a hip-hop musical about Martin Van Buren as a sequel to HAMILTON, we already have the main theme. MARTIIIIIIN, MARTIIIIIIN, HOW Y’ALL BEEN. It’ll be great. We are locked in. Had ...

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