Entries 5,129

Page 36 of 206

Upon reflection, Burger King’s “Have It Your Way” slogan was incredibly passive-aggressive. It would be like McDonalds having a “You Think You Know Better Than Us, Huh?” slogan or Taco Bell run...

---

“The hardest thing in your life is rarely something you do once or a handful of times,” she said, “no matter how difficult. Childbirth, killing in war, those take seconds or hours.” She allowed h...

---

Live Inside, Laugh at the Outside, Love Air-Conditioning. Malort is Chicago’s revenge on America for not getting to live in NYC or LA. Well-played, Illinois, well-played. Quarantining Rahm ...

---

Has anyone ever asked Nickelodeon why they made Jimmy Neutron’s hair style look like the pinched-tip of the world’s creamiest shit? Anyone ever explain why they were going for that? Because… I ...

---

When you’re in your 20s, you pop and lock to impress breakdance ladies on the floor. When you’re in your 40s, your joints pop and lock of their own accord. When no one notices your social med...

---

Cheaply made cartoons have big DiC energy. Grey Poupon again? Dijon vu. What if Neil Young’s Heart of Gold is actually a musical treasure map to a literal heart of gold he buried somewhere ...

---

I apologize for being part of a society so shallowly profit-driven they convinced you to have a “skin care routine”. So they can make money, they convinced you you’re ugly if you don’t spend hu...

---

Why call them “factoids” when you could call them “reality bites”? A mystery about a death at bartender school called “Screaming Bloody Muddler”. A sausage so large you could knock someone ...

---

Refer to the game of billiards as “math balls”. See how long you can get people to buy that you legitimately think this is the name of the game. “Wanna go shoot some math balls?” you might say....

---

Hallucinate your past in deep isolation pods in a process we like to call “tanks for the memories”. A documentary called DAMP IF YOU DO: THE CONSPIRACY THAT KILLED MOIST-ROASTED PEANUTS. Yo...

---

I get that FARGO is a terse and iconic title but they really could’ve gone with A PRAIRIE HOME ACCOMPLICE. One path to the most obnoxious movie ever would be mashing-up two already obnoxious ...

---

On the first of these awful anniversaries, in two-thousand-two, I was driving into work, my very first job after college, training as a 911 (the emergency line not the day) operator up in Herkime...

---

Who am I to say? I saw it on the television same as anyone, same as everyone who wasn’t really there. The woman I was dating at the time had personal connections, her brother working on the Wall ...

---

The title “Peaky Blinders” was wasted on the British mafia show when it could’ve been the new word for nipple pasties. When young, we are each a pliable gelatin of affections suspended in a b...

---

When Oroku Saki was empowered by mutation at the end of TMNT 2: THE SECRET OF THE OOZE, that was a real super-Shredder event. The irony of art, all human influence, is how the things that com...

---

A show. About a hotel. Run by witches. Called BROOM SERVICE. Had never listened to the full song “Pumped Up Kicks”, had never realized how little there is to it. It tries to stretch a half-wa...

---

While you were sleeping, the spirit entered your room and sprinkled magic inspiration all over the keys, but the thing that did so was no muse, it was instead The Devil himself. Or herself, somet...

---

He came from a long line of toilet paper craftsmen, traveling the world to ply their trade. It was only the arrogant egotism of Cliff that caused him to name the books after himself instead o...

---

The optimal name for a haunted house is “The Best Little Gorehouse In Texas”, provided, you know, it’s in Austin or whatever. Your body, a scratch and sniff sticker, your consciousness, your ...

---

A reverse chocolate chip cookie. A chocolate bar festooned with little cookie bits. Let’s do this, America. Okay, now we just gotta get RIVERS Cuomo to quit. Step 1: develop a THC-infused s...

---

Television destroyed the market for recurrent short subjects in theaters, it was a real serial killer. The original slogan was “I’m thinkin’ about settling for Arbys” but “I’m thinkin’ Arbys”...

---

Some would argue that their favourite TGIF sitcom / anime mash-up is URKEL 1/2 but there’s a lot to be said for FULLHOUSE ALCHEMIST. You know what I’d never thought about before? The old sitc...

---

Your EDM DJ vampire persona will be called “Count Bassy”. Radio killed the gramophone star, gramophone killed the piano roll star, piano roll killed the dancing hall star. The reality you wer...

---

We always talk about how long we get to live but we so rarely talk about how long we’re going to be dead, a number so close to infinity that it’s functionally indistinguishable from the infinite ...

---

There aren’t enough books where the mystery writer tries their hand at detective work and turns out to be terrible at it. There would be more of them, I reckon, but few crime novelists would care...

---