Entries 5,129

Page 20 of 206

if I’m sent to Hell but only for a little while I hope these negative-windchill Adirondack freeze-out disaster days will at least count as time served toward my sentence

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Note to myself I found in my pocket: “I’m on this Earth to do two things: Help people and drink coffee. And currently I’m all outta people.” I still can’t believe that they called it “Basic I...

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I worry I’m nothing but a totem-pole of affectations, standing atop each other, in a trench-coat. Human-shaped at distance, but the closer you get, the more obvious it is I’m just an exaggeration...

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I think FULL-FAT HIGH-MOISTURE MOZZARELLA is a great name for a band. I just don’t know why the adult film industry doesn’t call their end-of-year awards show “The Peepholes’ Choice Awards”. ...

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How about, like, steam-punk but for the age of media on magnetic tape? Tape-punk? Total early-VHS aesthetic. I think that’d be my throwback aesthetic. Any time a BBQ aficionado refers to them...

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THE SCRYING OF LOT 49 is a lot less complicated than THE CRYING OF LOT 49. She goes to a psychic who looks into a crystal ball and says “it’s a stamp collection”. Easy peasy. With Twitter on ...

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Why say “STD” when you could say “affection infection”? A parody of the Ben Folds Five’s “Jackson Cannery” about battling a lich. “that vampire’s chasing me but I got his phylactery, whoa-oa,...

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An all you can eat dumpling buffets invariably lead to wonton destruction. I don’t know what the “cyberchunk” aesthetic would look like but I think I’d like to invent it. I feel like if Har...

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i am the leaves that crunch beneath my feet or at least I was or at least I will be i came from the earth below the leafy crunch and i’ll be going back someday i came from the gray sky a...

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patience is a virtue indecision is a vice to always know the difference wouldn’t it be nice

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Will Garvey is a celebrated private detective but he’s really a front man for his super-intelligent talking cat Biscuits, who really solves all the crimes. They are BISCUITS AND GARVEY. If yo...

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self-pity like whiskey for a dry-drunk if I allow myself one shot it won’t just be one shot like potato chips which I shouldn’t have either I can’t eat just one once I ...

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Kicking it out to a wing for a risky three instead of going for an easy lay-up is known as the Dunk-Cost Fallacy. The glummest member of a Ren Faire troupe is called the “Theeyore”. If you ...

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The downfall of the organization for recovering bra-and-jock-strap fetishists was sewn by the fact they allowed them to call it a “support group”. Why say “rest stop hooker” when you can say ...

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Ollie the dog wouldn’t eat anything today until the dinner scraps came. He knows what’s up. He’s wily. He wanted the good stuff and he planned. I respect that weird fuzzy little lump so much. ...

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The most ridiculous thing about Elon Musk is that he really thinks he looks like a rebel fighting for his right to party, when he looks a lot more like a frat boy on dad’s yacht trying to frees...

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In a different life, and I mean in a very different life, the tale of his turn-around might have been inspirational, a small-but-touching arc from failure to redemption. One afternoon, he woke up...

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In the GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY’s porn parody, was the Groot analogue a tree-lady with a great ass who could only say “I AM GLUTES”? If not, come on, just ask me for the best ideas and give me a...

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Do perfume testers have competitions to see who is the best in the world? Do they have Smelling Bees? Before you eat that Christmas cookie, look down to it and whisper “You’re about to take a...

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In hopes of recruiting more students, the veterinary college is holding an open horse. Michael Crichton’s long-anticipated thought-lost final novel “Science Did An Oopsie”. If Hannah Montan...

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I wonder how much it would cost to get Eminem to rap the lines “My name’s Barney Rubble and I’m here to say / I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way!” Why call it a “filet o fish sandwich” when...

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It wasn’t so much he woke up on the wrong side of the bed, we all do that time-to-time. It was which wrong side he awoke upon. He didn’t wake up on the right side or the left, he somehow woke up ...

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I think the way to offend the maximum amount of people at once would be to write a story about Jesus going to a 2,000 years ago wizarding school. There’s something disturbing in there for every...

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DECK THE HALLS as sung by Super Mario Brothers’ supporting anti-villain character Waluigi. we may all be merely the residue left behind after the creation of the poo from a certain point of ...

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For all the many sins of youtube, the worst is how they all say “Super Mario Bros” instead of “Super Mario Brothers”. “Bros” is one of the weirdest most awkward words in the language and it is ...

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