Cue The Mamas & the Papas in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

For those too young or too disconnected from the music of the late 1960s, The Mamas & the Papas sang the song “Monday, Monday”… as today is Monday, the title is merely a convoluted way to title the entry as “Monday.” Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. lol

In an effort to continue to get better at my job, to continue to advance forward as a person, and to continue to occupy myself with productive or even pseudo-productive work, I have scheduled myself rather tightly today. A review of missed and pending work followed by a Ghost Hunt (cases that were never resolved or dismissed) followed by File Repair (fixing any court filings that weren’t accepted over the weekend) followed by a Schedule Research (differentiating between hearings that matter and hearings where I participate minimally) followed by Ethics Reporting (sharing my ethical career history with The State) followed by Disposition Review (reviewing witness testimony in an effort to know what a witness has stated under oath). And that takes me to lunch. The afternoon is less rigid but still filled with things. And then Caucusing tonight. So… stuff to do. Not to mention completion on Passport Application, work with my bank to re-finance the Mortgage to take Martha’s name off the house, and contact my lawyer to check in on the progress of the paperwork. IF (or assuming) all of that goes properly… the three things remaining would be to Re-Title the cars, get Martha her own bank account, and get Martha a place to live.

Not surprisingly, I keep finding myself being a little wishy washy but… not as much as I expected to be.
(1) I do still care about Martha and I do find her attractive.
(2) She… really doesn’t embrace the idea of “treat your S.O. like they’re special”. I’m not asking for roses and blow jobs but the fact that she wouldn’t say “I love you” or have sex with me (while we were actively married) seems like not even embracing a bare minimum.
(3) WHEN she decides to participate in life, it is nice having her around. Someone to help cook, clean, go shopping with me, take care of the dog when I’m at work. That’s helpful.
(4) THE FACT that she seems less and less inclined/willing to participate in life (any life) is concerning. She tends to make a mess of the dining room and kitchen with no consideration to tidying it up… she periodically walks the dog but rarely (if ever) feeds her… Martha almost never cooks but is willing to help me, occasionally. Also, she doesn’t go to the store very often but I do appreciate her help when I go to the store.
(5) She is still capable of dressing up, putting on makeup, and genuinely caring about her appearance when she goes out somewhere.
(6) BUT I only know that she is still capable of that because that is what she did for her date… hasn’t done that with me in years but gets dolled up to meet a stranger. I accept and acknowledge that this is a part of marriage… but it still seems inappropriate and indicates how she really did/has “given up” on caring when it comes to me/our relationship but is able to “look like” she gives a damned when it comes to other people.

So… I think I’m pretty much there to embrace the “Yeah. Get out of my house.” perspective. BUT at the same time… especially with her… I don’t want to be mean or aggravating. This isn’t “I hate you, get out!” This is: This isn’t working, we can be social but for now please leave. Like… I don’t want her to suddenly not have health insurance. I don’t want her to suddenly freak out about where to live. I want to push the little bird out of the nest and call it good. So… that is The Summary of where I am on that. Definitely in a place where I am comfortable and embracing that she needs to leave; but not wanting her departure to be upsetting or brutal. THAT being said? I am sad about what has happened. The only person who has consistently been with me for the last 15 years is essentially being excused from my daily life. That’s… heavy. Especially for me, someone who, even my CLOSEST FRIENDS I see maybe once a month or once every few months. So… this is big for me.

I really appreciated the notes from the last entry. I was feeling angry. It seemed… bizarre… to me to have people so devoid of compassion, empathy, and understanding. Like… I get it. If I were a teenager opining about my boyfriend of 3 weeks in the same way? Sure. I’m melodramatic. I shouldn’t be accosted for that… we should lift people up whenever we find them in pain. But it makes sense that people would experience a feeling of “get over it.” But that isn’t what this is. This is dealing with a relationship that (fairly or not) has had a massive impact on who I am, how I see myself, and what I’ve done for almost half of my life. So… that’s a sixty millisecond summary of that. WITHOUT sharing notes, I wanted to share some of my responses here in a way that may address questions, concerns, beliefs that were either repeatedly expressed or not expressed at all but were implied.

(1) One of the tough issues for me in this is just… I’ve never been close to someone, anyone who went through this. No family or friends have ever gone through a separation or divorce. So getting the opinions of people who honestly have is meaningful. It is just… between work and home life… I’ve been a bit more emotionally fragile lately. And since I can’t express that fragility at work or home… trying to be strong takes a toll, too. So that’s part of where this comes from. I can withstand the slings and arrows of work, facing the atrocities of humanity while being called an asshole for doing my job… I can stay “neutral” at home so as not to send confusing emotional signals to Martha… but I need to go somewhere where I can just… exist. Somewhere that doesn’t require me to have my guard up and my brave face on. So… silly as it is… a place like Prosebox can kind of hit the holes in my armor.

(2) I try to positively self-talk. I really do. I mean… I have a good job. It is a steady job that only demands (really) 38 hours a week. For which I earn a salary north of $50k. I have a strange but loving family that is quick to offer love, assistance, money, or whatever may be needed. I don’t suffer from a drug addiction and my criminal record consists EXCLUSIVELY of 1 speeding ticket and 1 failure to yield at a stop sign. Other than my mortgage, which establishes me as a responsible home owner, I have no debt. Considering my job, it should go without saying but… I have an advanced degree which indicates that (at least) I am somewhat book smart. As I have degrees in Religion and Law, while I may not excel at Celebrity Gossip, I am quite capable of holding an interesting conversation. I am free of sexually transmitted diseases. I have no children. My past relationship shows that I am a man possessed of grace, forgiveness, kindness, and understanding. In a number of ways on paper I am a catch.

BUT.... the reality of my situation belies the self-talk of “a catch.” My primary emotional and sexual relationship for 15 years was filled with negative affirmations. Neglect, celibacy, sometimes open cruelty. For almost half of my life. Then take that background and add my current success with making friends and/or dating apps. Then take all of that and throw in the negative responses from Prosebox? Yeah. Positive self-talk is important. But I’m in a profession where no matter how excellent the theory of your case is? You still need to present evidence. And while I can present evidence that the subject is a responsible young man; I have no reliable evidence indicating that he is in any way worthwhile.

(3) I appreciate how many people are aghast at the idea of dating at all while my Wife still lives in my house. I agree, actually. It is one of the reasons why I haven’t come to PB and earnestly requested help increasing my Dating App potential. Because I wouldn’t say that I’m in an “active phase” right now. My primary focus right now is getting through. Get through your trial schedule, get through your Separation paperwork, get through moving Martha out. Just… get through it. Then after I’ve established an appropriate homeostasis in my life… really get serious about trying to find something. That being said? It doesn’t mean that I’m not still “open to the universe”. Plus, I really do mean I want to find my First Pancake in a sooner than later fashion. I was abysmal at dating before I was married. I’ve never had sex with a woman that wasn’t Martha. If, as simple logic would imply, I’m going to have to get through a lot of awkward dates and a lot of embarrassing sexual failures before I can do any of this with confidence and style? Than I’d like to start working through those first pancakes before I turn 40.

(4) To the noter that said “Pity Party. Be a man.” You will NOT be blocked. Because honestly… that is an audience I genuinely want to reach. We absolutely need to disabuse ourselves of this notion that men are and/or should be these stalwart stoic tree forms eternally bearing responsibility and protecting others. Women should be seen as humans. Not as “objects of sexual desire” and not as “servants to men” and not as “emotional creatures.” They can be all three… and so much more. Because sexual desire, service, and emotion are elements of the human condition. But there is more to the human condition than these boxes we’ve decided to perpetuate. A man should feel no fear in crying with his friends when his spirit is drained and he is broken. BUT, as we’ve decided emotions are NOT for men… we somehow view that behavior as abhorrent… and then see a man stoically drinking himself to death as “manly.” A woman should feel no fear in being a leader or being ambitious. BUT, as we’ve decided that type of behavior is “horning in on a man’s territory”… we somehow view that behavior as “bitchy”… and then see a woman with better ideas getting passed over for promotion as “acceptable.” These are absolutely 100% the kinds of things we should attack and challenge and work to change.

WORK RELATED:

Oi and ufda. Heart going out and understanding and empathy but… still… oi and ufda.

Woman repeatedly beaten by boyfriend. NO CONTACT ORDER IN PLACE. Boyfriend is in jail, where all of his communications are monitored. NO CONTACT ORDER IN PLACE. Woman puts a hundred dollars on boyfriend’s Phone Card. NO CONTACT ORDER IN PLACE. Boyfriend calls her over 20 times where he coaches her on how to make this case disappear. Woman calls me to get the case dismissed.

Kids? I mean… I know the judge was vague when he said “SHALL NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT IN WRITING, IN PERSON, OVER THE PHONE, OR BY ANY MEANS OF DIGITAL COMMUNICATION”.... okay, vague and in-specific. Was it also vague when there are dozens of signs around the phone and the phone SAYS IN AUDIBLE WORDS Every call is recorded and whatever you say may be turned over to the prosecutor in your case. Buuuuuuuuuuut nope. GO ahead. Make a bunch of phone calls to the protected party. Have long conversations about the case. Always a good idea! (sarcasm).

Now I am off to go have lunch. SURPRISINGLY, Victoria texted to say that the kids are at Day Care and she’s super bored, could she join me for lunch. So… for the first time in maybe a year… I’ll actually be eating lunch with another human being!

So that was nice. Not anything spectacular but… that’s the point, isn’t it? That life happens and the more often it is a peak or a valley the harder it is for yourself and the people around you? It was nice to have a conversation, though. Too many lunches spent sitting in front of my computer, really.

Rest of the day?

Case Prep
Passport Application
Mortgage Refinancing Work
Read (as many) Prosebox Bookmarks as I can
Caucus… my prediction? I will get in the group for Klobachur then when she is eliminated for “lack of delegates” I’ll move into Warren. Begrudgingly. According to everything I’ve studied, it honestly looks like Joe Biden represents my viewpoint on policy best but I don’t want to see another Old White Rich East Coast Man With Questionable Pasts on Race and Gender elected to President. So… I’ll go with the other Prosecutor since my candidate dropped out. And then if I have to… I’ll go for the Woman with a Plan.
After all of that, I’ll return home and contact my lawyer to get paperwork sorted.
Then try to book a hotel room for Anime Iowa as they all filled up WITHIN 2 MINUTES this morning!

So that’s my day. Hope everyone here has a good week!!