A Needed Statement in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I get it. I shouldn’t care what people think, what people say, or how people view me. That shouldn’t be something that I care about in the slightest. I understand that intellectually. But if nothing else, the last 6 years should prove that my brain and my heart are very different individuals and while I may be able to reason something, I can’t always feel it.

So what is that the preamble to? Prosebox. I know I shouldn’t let Prosebox notes affect my mood, my decisions, or my confidence. These are just words being written by people that may or may not be honest, care, or have any wisdom. All of that is true… but it is also true that reading notes definitely does impact me. It provides an extra set of eyes and ears and opinions and… even if I don’t particularly agree or trust or enjoy some comments, I read them so they enter into my brain.

Which creates moments of anger and frustration like now.

You see… as I was thinking and considering and pondering to death the issues of my marriage… I heard frequently that “You deserve better” and “That isn’t really much of a marriage” and “You’re not asking for too much. Trust me.” So… I deserve a healthy relationship which includes emotional connection and physical intimacy.

But then? The notes since mustering the emotional fortitude to actively start taking steps in my marriage to say “It wasn’t getting better with counseling. So we need to split up. Take some time. Work on our stuff. See what we want our individual lives to look like. And then come back together to decide if our INDIVIDUAL lives, our wants and our needs and our hopes, work together in a JOINED life or if we should move to divorce.”… the notes since I said those exact words to Martha?
Have been more along the lines of (directly quoting some of them in this/these examples)
“Why would any woman be interested in an overweight video-game, anime, comic book fan?”
“You’re emotionally unavailable and married. Separated or not, what do you really have to offer someone?”
“After reading you for some time, I think you’d be terrible on a date. JMHO”
“You are obsessed with Martha, have no self confidence, and expect OTHER PEOPLE to be responsible for making you happy. Grow up and take responsibility for your own situation.”
“Mostly what I get from your diary is that you’re a whining man-baby crying because his tantrum didn’t fix the situation.”

So… I guess… I mean… I get it.
When I was trying to figure out my Celibate Super Unhappy Marriage… the comments were “Nobody should be okay with this.”
Now that I am trying to figure out my next steps and hoping to find some “starter pancakes”, we get all sorts of personal attacks.