The struggle between nesting and exhaustion in All About Hikaru/Yuki

I’ve been in the nesting mood. Lord knows this house needs it. Unfortunatly I’m entirely too tired to accomplish much most of the time. I usually crash real hard after I pick up my son from school and I feel bad because I should be helping with homework and cooking dinner and hearing about his day and spending quality time with him. But also I am just too tired right now from this pregnancy. I think he understands. Morgan has been super supportive too. He helps me pick up the pieces that I havent been able to handle, tries to accommodate my cravings, and be there for me. As an autistic person, he hates hugs and affection, but hes willing to awkwardly hug me when I’m having a rough day and that means alot. He annoys the shit out of me. I could never be in a relationship with him, but also I’m glad hes there and I think hes turning into a very good man, though he has a long way to go. For those that arent aware, Morgan is my trans roomate with Aspergers Syndrome.

When I do actually have time to be doing nesting things, I also have to be making money. I cant do my usual CNA work right now due to physical restrictions. I’ve been trying to make ends meet by taking deliveries via door dash and instacart. Its helpful but just not enough to pay even the basic bills. Hopefully my tax refund will help lessen the stress but helping me take care of some debt. Maybe I should try harder to get back in school since I cant work much now anyway, but my time is already spread thin with the amount I’ve been sleeping lately. I dont know.

I tried to start painting again, to help with the stress. I’ll be doing a live paint event to help fundraise for my baby’s father’s family, who lost someone recently. That should be fun. I’ve been trying out poured acrylic, which is new to me, but I dont really have the supplies I need rn. Hopefully I can get them before the event saturday. That’s a fun one to live paint. I think people will like it.

I have no idea how to pay my bills, reduce my stress, spend time with my family, and get this house in order all while I’m trying to deal with the potential health problems of my coming addition. If you have any ideas or would like to donate items or money to the cause please let me know. But you’re prayers would be just as helpful, if not more so. And please understand, because many dont, that when I ask for your prayers I mean it literaly and sincerely. I’m praying for a miracle. Pray with me.

I fell in love with the name Hikaru if it’s a boy, and Yuki if it’s a girl. This baby has brought me so much happiness, even through this difficult time. I just cant imagine God would give me such a Joyful child only to take it away again. I must believe this child will survive long enough to have a purpose. Because God doesn’t make any useless people.

In the back of my brain a voice whispers (Asher… this one is Asher…Dan and Asher…) my sons name is not actually Dan, but it is close, both phonetically and in meaning. I did consider naming him Daniel. Or Jessie.

My morals are slipping a bit in an effort to reduce stress (excuses, I’m so damn good at excuses arent I?). You see, I jumped off the abstinence bandwagon to have this baby, and well, sex is actually very good for baby, if its gentle. Since the baby’s father doesnt seem interested in sex anymore, I’ve considered seeking out a regular sexual partner to help dull the stress and keep me calm. The last one I tried with, I started to feel like a whore. It’s not his fault. And I know I am not a whore. But he told me not to kiss or bite him because those things were reserved for relationships, kept sacred. I understand the concept, but also he never had a problem with it before, so I feel I’ve been downgraded. I wonder if it’s my weight. I have gained so much, and not a single ounce is because of this baby. I find bugger girls very, very attractive… until it’s my body I’m looking at. It’s really dragging down my self esteem.

I also considered getting a puppy. For several years I’ve been wanting a little miniature dachsund. Preferably long haired. So damn cute! Or a border collie, so freakin smart and helpful. But I cant afford a puppy right now. It would be irresponsible of me. But I cant help thinking itd be great for my stress levels. I’ve considered going to the humane society and looking for an old calm dog to keep me company through this. It wouldnt live long, but it could enjoy its last years cuddling with me. (Who needs a man anyway right?) I keep trying to explain to people that while I do get lonely, and desperate for physical affection, I dont actually require a partner, nor am I sure I even want one. But people dont understand, they just feel bad for me that I dont have a partner. If anything I’d probably want a girlfriend, but quality girlfriends are hard to come by these days, and I’m not exactly a lady killer. But if I am honest I could see myself in a happy relationship with another woman now. A small, smiley, encouraging girl with a spunky personality and a great sense of humor. We’d snuggle and watch anime and bake cookies, and dance, and kiss. But what I really hate is how everyone seems to think my saying I dont need a partner is just me trying to make myself feel better for not finding one. I DONT NEED ONE. I could have one if I wanted, but why? If it’s not the right one. If it’s not one that will make me happier than I make myself as a single woman.

Damn I’m long winded today.

Found a beautiful house I’d love to buy.. it’s the PERFECT location. It’s like a dream. The perfect house for me and my family right this very instant. Unfortunatly it’s around 500,000 dollars. No way will I be able to afford or even get financed for something like that right now. But damn, I’d give a limb or two to be able to buy it. It’s so perfect for my family. So instead I just keep dreaming and fighting to be able to afford the very inexpensive house I have. Even if it’s in my dads name and it feels like hes holding it over my head, even if its falling apart and I cant afford to fix it, even if I dislike this neighborhood and feel cramped, trapped, and restricted. But damn I’d love that house. If only I had rich friends who’d buy me a house without any strings atattched. Fuck that, if only I WAS the rich friend who could buy houses like that for her friends. I’m sure Id be entirely too generous about it anyway. (What use is money anyway? Itll all burn in the end)

So what it all come down too is every solution I’ve come to that would help reduce stress requires money, either a little, or a lot, that I dont have. So maybe I’ll start a go find me or try to work my business harder. (Hey lil girl, wanna buy some Mary Kay, lmao jk jk). Perhaps I’ll create a go fund me and drop it somewhere here or there or wherever. See what happens. Why not right?

Anyway, my phone is dieing and this is a very long entry, especially for someone who’s super tired (not that I can sleep). So uh, g’night. And thanks to those who actually had the patience to read this obnoxious wall of text.