Timming in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I find it interesting that the day that I write up a “Here is what was broken in my marriage. Here is what a healthy marriage would be. If Martha can do this, good. If she can’t; accept nothing less.” The day I wrote that up?

Martha agrees to a date. With some dude tomorrow night.

And it is funny… and a little sad. I’m not upset that Martha has a date. I’m not even surprised. In fact, I’m happy. She hasn’t gone out with anyone (friend or otherwise) in a long time. This is good for her. No, I’m more unhappy that from a biased-yet-objective standard… Martha is the reason for the split up… and yet The Universe gives her dates and confirmation of her date-ability almost instantly. Meanwhile, I was in a marriage that honestly made me feel entirely unloved and unwanted… and I can’t even get a text message to say “Hi”! I know I shouldn’t think it but… it makes me feel like maybe Martha was right all these years. Maybe there is something wrong with how I look or how I am. Logically, dispassionately… I know that’s bunk. I do. But it is a hard irrational thought to shake. I mean… 5 dating apps and 300 miles of choices ranging between age 21 and 55? And I can’t get so much as a right swipe?