Step by Step in Current Events

I went to Bev’s yesterday to watch the Fifth Element. She’s never seen it and it’s not that the movie is good or anything but like, come on mam! I was a Stan of Tricky and he’s in it so I loved the movie growing up. We didn’t even end up watching it. We talked for hours about self-improvement and our journey’s and stuff like that. I talked a lot about this program Russel Brand has that I’m doing. Step four is what I am on next and that requires me to make a complete inventory of everything that has ever caused me to feel negative. From big things to little things. Then I measure how it affected my life and how I participated in that and what characteristics I developed from it. He says that it will take about twenty hours to complete and I believe that.

Step 5 will be that I have to share that list with somebody trustworthy. Somebody not too close to me who has too much skin in the game. Somebody on a similar path and journey as me. I nominated Bev. She’s the life coach in training. However, I feel dirty about it because I suppose that I don’t actually want to do that. Honestly, I just feel wrong today. I feel like I overshared with her yesterday and I didn’t. I think that I want this project to be a private matter… however, it can’t be. My methods and ways of coping are not working. I can’t fix a problem with the same thinking that created it. I need to ask for help. This is why people tap out after step 3. Step 3 requires you to ask for help and become willing to change. To do things you haven’t done and think things you haven’t thought. I guess I feel bad today because I don’t want to do it. I will though! I catch myself wanting to procrastinate. Avoiding things is my problem. I like that Bev introduced me to the idea that I can’t play the blame game. I have to take responsibility. I can blame this or that and myself all I want but it won’t get anything done. I want to lay in bed and do nothing and then just blame my depression. That’s what I really want to do right now. So what’s the plan Tom? Is that what you’re going to do? Pretend that your problems are not happening to you?

I’ll share the worksheet and an example with you guys.

Yesterday I returned a missed call to the bulk food store I applied to last month. Nobody knew what I was talking about and I felt a lot of resentment.
I resent Bulk Barn because they didn’t know what I was talking about. This affects my:
1) Pride (what I think of me): Yes
2) Self-esteem (what others think of me): Yes, that moment made me feel small. It hurt my ego that nobody cared who I was.
3) Personal relations (the script I give people): Yes. Ish, I don’t know who I was talking to over the phone but they did not follow the script I had in my mind when I called them. That they were going to be happy that I returned their call and then set up an interview.
4) Sexual relations (as above but with sex): No. I did not act out with sex or masturbation.
5) Ambitions (my view of the world): Yes. I thought that I would get an interview and start moving on with my life.
6) Security (what I need to be okay): Maybe? My situation did not change. This did not directly affect my living and eating situation but it could have improved it so I feel put out because I had an expectation.
7) Finances: Yes and no. The opportunity would have helped my finances but this did not actually attack them.

My part in this:
1) Mistakes: I waited too long to return their call. I expected too much when I called them. I believed that I could control the conversation and situation. I held on to it too long and it made me bitter for a moment.
2) Selfishness: Not really. I did not get upset or angry at the person over the phone. I did not utilize this moment to feel sorry for myself. I did make my problems their fault for a moment.
3) Dishonesty: I was not dishonest about or during this moment.
4) Self-seeking: yes. obv. Can’t blame me.
5) Fear: I don’t trust people and this made me not feel good enough for a moment.
6) Harm: I did not act out in a way that caused harm. I did not smoke, drink, use porn or starve myself and hide from the world and play Skyrim or watch YouTube until my eyes bled. All of the things that I used to do or currently like to do when I can’t face myself.

Character defects:
1) Pride: yes, ouch, but I did not act like a brat about it. Nobody owes me anything.
2) Self-pity: Oddly no. I did not feel sorry for myself. I know where I stand.
3) Selfishness: I did not act selfishly during or after this moment.
4) Self-centeredness: A little bit. I tried to make that moment all about me.
5) Intolerant: I was tolerant
6) Impatience: I was patient and understanding
7) Green: I like green but I think that this is a typo for greed. I was not greedy.
8) Gluttony: I did not indulge in drink, drugs, sex or food as a result.
9) Jealousy: Yes. The person on the phone is employed and could not relate to my situation or had to care.
10) Envy: Yes. I envy that the person on the phone has income and doesn’t have to care about me.
11) Sloth: Yes, I think? I do tend to curl up and hide from the world and do nothing. I worked on some self-improvement projects on my computer and then went to Bev’s to get out of the house.
12) Lust: Yes, I’m a little guilty. After an hour or so when I got in my feels I did act out for a moment and look at a picture or two of naked men on Tumblr. I stopped myself though!
13) Arrogance: I was not arrogant. Nobody owed me anything.
14) Dishonesty: I did want to pretend that this didn’t happen. Does that count?
15) Self-righteousness: I am aware that this is my default setting so I try to make sure that my mind is not made up. I was not self-righteous at this moment I think.
16) Grandiosity: Is it pretentious that I talk about this stuff on PB?

I like that this exercise makes me accountable for my feelings. I have to take some responsibility. This will help me see patterns that are hard for me to see because I’m too caught up in them. Yes, I’ve had things in my life happen to me where I was not in control and I had no power but the mistakes I made there were that I held on to them. I let it keep happening to me in my mind. I was defined by them. I utilized them to make me feel sorry for myself and do bad things to cope. Things that made my life unmanageable. I can be proud that I found ways to cope but those ways do not work anymore. Blah blah. I need to get on with my day though. If I don’t get Beyond Meat Burgers and curly fries in me today I will cry lol.

My favourite Tricky song. I had a lot of angst when I was kid lol