Self Therapy...Or Not. in meh...

Not really therapy, just realization. And I ramble. Forgive me. I need real therapy.

I was thinking about how much I want to love someone and be in love. Sex and love are different, but they are somewhat intertwined. For me it’s difficult. Don’t get me wrong. I know sex isn’t love and I know love isn’t sex.

I’ve written a few times that I was molested. When this is a part of your childhood, you grow up fast. You become aware and see things differently. Growing up in a religious household and being molested, and the culture of the black family wanting to place blame was the type of dysfunctional dynamic I grew up in. No one knew this was happening, but I was pegged as being a “fast tailed little girl” when I wasn’t.

It did eventually lead to my promiscuity and feeling such shame. I would have sex with someone and feel so bad and so judged like I was dirty. One of my cousins would talk about me like I was just running out and randomly having sex with everyone, when I really wasn’t. This cousin was one of my molesters and I think he was actually jealous because he wasn’t the one having sex with me. So when his mother would say “Your name is being dragged through the street,” I would think that’s because your son is spreading lies, mad he can’t have it. Another cousin would accuse me of sleeping with everyone. “Did you do it to him??” Like she was my mother or something. This same person that tried to justify how long she knew someone when she slept with them to make herself feel better.

Since I’ve grown, my views on sex and love have been shaped into somewhat healthier, not always though because old thoughts tend to pop up. Like, i want to love. I want to be in love. But one of the first things I think about is how I would look having sex with this person. LOL It’s bad, I know. I often want to wait to have sex. But it’s hard when you’re horny. It’s hard when society says don’t deprive yourself of what you want. Society also says you can’t really build a relationship off of sex. This I kind of tend to agree with because you don’t really know someone after a few conversations and a few dates. Him and I started out with a few conversation and then some of the most AMAZING first time with someone mind blowing sex ever. Everyone’s first time together isn’t the best. lol

It’s hard playing by all the contradicting rules. So I just don’t have sex. Well, I don’t have sex with other people. I value the connection more now. I wasn’t aware of certain things until after I had my children. I became much more aware when I became celibate.

Becoming celibate allowed me to purge some stuff off me and helped me to realize that just being out here trying to be with someone just so I can have sex is damaging to my spirit and psyche because the one thing that was replaying in my head was my aunt, “They just want to use you up and then you’ll be no good.” My childhood was very unhealthy. I realized that sex was important, but it was nothing without a connection. A REAL connection. That’s probably why I am still tripping off of Him. :: heaviest sigh::

So if I’m sleeping around just to get some that will be on my terms. I know how to disappear and not be contacted after a smash. I’ve even adopted terms like “smash.” LOL It’s a coping mechanism.

This post didn’t have any real meaning behind it. Just more or less me clearing my thoughts.
dah… I’m done.