Are You Fucked? in Current Events

Step 1: Are you fucked?

This time last year I was telling my therapist that I was the best I had ever been but I was still unhappy and lost. I was powerless to my anxiety. I did not know how to bring myself to make choices that would advance me in life. When your body needs water it feels thirsty so I guess when your mind wants to grow you feel… stuck? I admitted to myself over a year ago that my anxiety was a problem. My life wasn’t so unmanageable back then but it is now and the root of that is my anxiety. My fear to change. Well, I understand now that fear just boils down to being afraid of not having control. It’s hard for me to make choices to do something or be somewhere that doesn’t give me that safe sweet feeling of having control. Damn, I am also aware now that when I play the blame game I give away my opportunity to take responsibility. Responsibility being an ability to respond which is something I am not good at. I don’t defy my problems I deny them to the bitter end. Ready for my rambling?

Russel Brand has his commune courses available for free until the 24th and I signed up today. I have two days to put in the work. It’s twelve courses… it’s a 12 step program. Yes, the twelve-step program for addictions. If you’re using an object to make yourself feel better or have a behaviour that you can’t change then he believes that it is outright an addiction. You can’t change unless you admit that you have a problem. You have to be specific about what that is to make that change possible. Something you can make a commitment to. These last few months I have been consciously engaged with so much about myself in hopes of getting some… “innerstanding”. Yesterday was my nine-month anniversary of when I lost my job. Did losing my job trigger my anxiety and depression? No, I already A&D when I was employed and when I was at the height of my game so it is evident that it is not the content in my life that is hurting me but the context of my life that is hurting me. I misuse my memory and imagination to create “neurological compounds” that I attach to (whatever that means Russel). With his program here, Russel is aware that there is a clear understanding of what needs to change when you have substance addictions and sex addictions but there are also more subtle behaviours we’re all engaged in that we all want to change. Porn, phone use, social media etc. Then other things like poor eating habits, thinking negatively. Hating your job and always ending up in bad relationships. So Step 1 is identifying what those things are that you want to change so that you can open yourself up to wanting to change. I’ve decided to tackle my “crippling” anxiety.

My name is Tom and I have an addiction to… anxiety? I don’t know how to make that fit in here yet. It’s also too generic. I need to be specific. When my anxiety flares up I act out in various ways. I don’t eat. I overexercise. I don’t leave the house. I hide from my problems. I binge on YouTube content. Currently, I have an unhealthy addiction to Skyrim. Also, I have mentioned multiple times that I am trying to quit using pornography. 2020 is not going to be a Fappy New Year for me (I really am working on that I swear!). I’ve cut out a lot from my life in the last few years actually. Cigarettes, eggs, meat, dairy, social media, gambling etc. I even stopped drinking. I can’t engage with any of those behaviours again and feel good about it now so I guess there is hope that I can continue to make changes. I mean, I was not able to see any of those as a problem once upon a time and yes I immediately felt inconvenienced and put out when I made those changes but they’re so far behind me now… so there is hope!

So! Anxiety is my problem. Aversion is my addiction? Is that a thing? No, obviously it’s all of those things that I do to make myself feel good for a moment. That take me away from the problem. The things that are not capable of addressing that “inner malady.” (I honestly don’t know what Russel is saying half of the time! He likes to flex his vocabulary and I need a dictionary on hand to try and get on his level. That’s going on the list of resentments when I get to that part of the program… I suppose that I’m just insecure about my own vocabulary and that I’m trying to make this his fault.) Anyway, I digress! That’s my problem in a nutshell. I digress. YouTube, porn, Netflix etc. I set up rewards for being lazy and not productive so naturally, I’m just going to keep failing. I’m unhappy because of my anxiety and I have anxiety because I’m unhappy lol. So yes, I’m fucked. So the question that I am to ask myself is this: What is the pain and fear that I have about making those changes? I suppose that if I give up avoiding my problems I would lose this freedom that I have from being unemployed. Everybody feels sorry for me and I don’t want to lose that either (tbh). I would also be left with the feeling of not being good enough. I’ll be forced to put myself into environments and circumstances that I don’t have complete control of. I like things to be predictable. I would be left with feeling exposed and vulnerable and gay. Well, I can’t stop being gay lol. I would have to do the work. The grind. I have to give up being lazy and being taken care of. Blah blah I’m being a big baby now lol.

The next question is this: What will it cost me if it doesn’t change? Well, call me Caitlyn I don’t even want to think about that. Retirement! I will have to work to death at a job I hate if I don’t get myself a good career! I am missing out on my opportunity to do something I am passionate about that is a service to others. That will add value to people. That’s all longterm though. Immediately I will lose everything in the material world. I will lose people’s patience and respect maybe? I don’t think that I am dependant on validation from others but I could be wrong. I’m wrong all of the time. Like just five minutes ago I thought that I was going to look cute when I look in the mirror. I was wrong. I’m a hobosexual now.

Blah, I think that I am ready for step 2 of this workshop. What I like about Russel is that he does not let anybody think that he is better than them. He actually always says that he is worse than us. I do want to get my act together and advance myself toward my goals and live a charged life. I want to connect to truth and be consciously aware of myself. To be woke af. I want to let go of this fake material world and become my authentic self instead of this person I keep trying to reflect back to everybody. When I’m not working on my mental health or filling my day up with any motivational self-help mumbo jumbo the negative thoughts and feelings come back. Those lead to the same actions and behaviours. From what I understand, that is normal. That is also why I have to always stay on it. I got up early today for once. I was feeling sad on Monday but I forced myself to do shit instead of wallow in bed and play Skyrim. I am pretty determined to join the 5 am club so that I can create an inspiring environment for myself at the start of the day. On Monday I told myself to stop agreeing to believe that I need to get up at 5 am to feel inspired so I just took responsibility for myself that day instead of blaming my anxiety. Tomorrow I’m not hitting snooze. I’m putting my phone on the other end of my room and if it wakes my roommates up… sorry about it.

Another thing that I lack is intention. I wake up without any intentions. Even when I was working I did not have any intentions of my own. I have a huge list of things that I want to start doing to help me organize my thoughts and processes in life. The first thing I have to get rid of is that list. I can’t operate on to-do lists, I need to structure myself around a calendar. To-do lists always turn into a pile of I don’t wanna. There is more structure for me if I use a calendar. Also, I need to start finishing things. Quitting is another way I trick myself into feeling in control. I have Brene Brown’s Rising Strong book that I still need to finish. Mel Robbin’s Audiobook Take Control of Your Life with just two hours left. I’m two chapters into Autobiography of a Yogi… I only start things. This is why my doctor says I should see a psychotherapist. They help with behaviours. Maybe some good old fashion electric shock therapy can cure my insanity?