This isn't me. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

I had a spare thought the other day which has been ringing in my head (in a good way). I was musing about how I don't want medication because I'm afraid it'll make me "not me". And then I thought, "But this isn't me, either."

It's like a quiet mantra. A reminder that if I feel bleh, I gotta do something about it. But. Not even do something ABOUT it. Just do something, anything, and in the process, I'll forget what I was previously feeling. I don't know if that makes sense.

I know I have a lot of work ahead of me. But not everything is done in one shot. This year is for me, and it's going to take a year, minimum, to work everything out of my system. You're supposed to find yourself in your twenties. Well. I guess the search continues for who and what I want to be. And irrelevant to why I left her, I can't do that search with Candi needing me like she did.

New habits. New routines. New pet projects. More than just getting back into lifting and doing things for myself. I need a different headspace, a different perspective on myself and the world. The hardest thing ever is to always be present. I've been conscious of my feelings, absolutely. But feelings don't always have a basis in objective reality. Feelings don't always feel the rest of the world. I've done it before, exhale slowly and sense the world around me.

Hard things come easy and easy things come hard. All because of the headspace involved. "Don't think about it" I say so much as a running gag at work, in terms of how retarded customers and procedures are. I remember a number of years ago, I kept a Sunday catalog of things I had "accomplished". That was useful in terms of reminding myself of all the things I was getting done and openning my headspace.

Getting more sleep and not drinking has been the first step. I've been a well-oiled machine before. I KNOW that feeling of being unstoppable.

It's my saving grace that I don't believe in the no-win scenario.