Messy Mind in Current Events

I woke up feeling gross. I have been feeling some type of way after my previous entry. I wrote that a few days ago and it apparently didn’t even publish. It’s out there now. I was actually gross yesterday though. I hadn’t showered, shit or shaved in a few days. I did everything but shit yesterday so I should have woken up feeling fresh. I even had fresh clean sheets. I woke up feeling dread. I also woke up with my cat in my arms which was super cute but the dread hit me anyway. I feel disappointed and ashamed and afraid and awkward and mortified and pretty much everything else that is negative. I don’t even know how to feel sorry for myself anymore. I need to organize my thoughts. I spent the last two days playing Skyrim. I’m completely addicted. It’s an escape… like, you don’t understand. I played it from the moment I woke up and then until I went to bed. I’ve been up until 5am and sleeping in until noon. That is why I haven’t been able to have a BM. My body is confused. After what I wrote in my last entry I can see the error of my ways now. I want to make this the game’s fault but it’s not. I want to make this my roommate’s fault but it’s not. I want to make this my previous employer’s fault but it’s not. I don’t know how to make this anybody else’s fault anymore lol. I am not making any sense! I’m going mad I tell ya!

Reality bitch slapped me across the face this morning is all. I checked my phone for the first time in two days and I actually missed a call. It’s probably a creditor? I don’t know how to tell them that I don’t have any income. I have a friend that lent me money to buy me some time and I wasted that time. Am I being manipulative and selfish and self-serving? Yes! I have a problem! Fuck. I don’t even know how to look at myself now that I know what I am looking at. A needy greedy little child.

I can change it all though! Myself, my life etc. I can light a fire under my ass… right? Just woman up and actually be grown and use all of the self-help mumbo jumbo that I been preaching. This moment is just temporary and I have control and I can change the narrative… I can open myself up for change. I think. I need to collect myself here.

Bev is kidnapping me tomorrow when she is done work and I’m spending the night at her place. She is having a party at her house. I’ve been wanting to call her all week but with my roommates all home I don’t really have the safe space to do that. She can handle my existential crisis and I need somebody to talk to IRL. I want to talk about how I have come to the realization that I have a problem. I am the problem. I am being manipulative and selfish and it’s hurting everybody else around me and I have been too blind to see it. Now it is all that I can see and that is why I feel gross this morning. I want to talk to her about it because she is somebody that I am manipulating. I think we all associate manipulation as something only bad people do but we are all guilty and we all do it. When we’re passive-aggressive and when we tell little white lies or big lies etc. Things like that. I complain to make her feel sorry for me and then I get validation and she offers to help me and I want that behaviour to stop. My behaviour I mean. She’s enabling me to be this loser that I am. She’s taking a course to become a life coach and I know that she can handle these weird existential conversations. She will pick me up tomorrow. We’ll have an “all about me” conversation and I will feel a little better, I think? I feel guilty. After that 15 minute conversation, we will take a break from being so serious about life and then we will party with her friends. Today, however, I got to get my shit together. Taking a shit would be nice too lol. TMI.

Russel Brand is offering his online Recovery course for free for a week or two. I think I will jump on that because of how his stupid little 8 minute video about how to audit resentment to “get over it” made me realize so much about myself. I don’t know what to do with it… so I guess I need the next step? I read his book Recovery years ago and he uses the 12 step program for everything. The only thing that made me feel hesitant in the past is that they require us to surrender to God or to a higher power. I was not open to that in the past. I only started to open up to it last year. RB describes it in a way that I can relate to. He says that the “spiritual world” is important. It is the invisible, the unseen, the world of emotion, your psyche, your force, your feelings. All of the things that happen in you that affects how you behave in this material world. I didn’t look at it that way before but I get it now.

Anyways, I should get on with my day. I want to run errands but it’s -40c. Also, I don’t know if my credit card will work. That gives me anxiety. I have $55 cash as a buffer lol. Something is wrong with my car also, the windows fog up and it’s actually a hazard at this point. I can’t afford to get that looked at. It’s OBV air related. Filter? AC? I dunno cars. I can call my doctor to talk about my prescription. On one hand, I want to up my dose but on the other, I don’t want to have this 2% headache that I now have as a default setting. I dunno medications. I can call around to see if the places I applied at last month are hiring yet too. Then go on Indeed and just throw my resume around like crazy. I dunno why nobody wants to hire me. I tried to look into the employment counselling that my mother sent me a link to but I couldn’t find it. I could try harder. I dunno how to be confident about starting a new job. They should be able to help. My computer had a huge message this morning that took over my entire screen telling me that Windows no longer supports my version of Windows. No more updates and security etc. I don’t know what that means. I dunno computers. This is my life right now. I could have worse problems I guess. My headache just went to 30% lol.