Decent Mood in Current Events

I woke up in a decent mood today. I’m not sure how that happened after my nightmare of a dream last night. I’ve been waiting for the vivid dreams to start happening from the medication and it finally happened but my dream was so awful! It was Jurassic park meets Silent Hill and Resident Evil. People were dying all around me and I was trying to escape the dungeons. I can’t get those images out of my head. Can one get PTSD from a nightmare?

I ended up calling Bev after my entry yesterday. I poured my heart out and I felt great after that. I feel like I am owning my story and that moment felt like an apology. Like I was coming clean about being a manipulative selfish asshole. I don’t even realize when I’m being this self-serving. I’m such a me monster. She’s having a little get together tonight and I’m going to be spending the night there. I didn’t want to have that talk today before the party because why do things always got to be so serious? Then tomorrow while I’m in her area I want to visit with my mother. My sister called my grandmother a few days ago and made plans to bring her kids over for a visit. My sister was going to make lunch for everybody. My sister feels guilty now because my grandmother called her back full of pep in her voice and was giddy and excited and wants to try a chicken chilli recipe. I feel guilty too because my grandmother is not known to be giddy. It was that easy to make her that happy and we haven’t been making that much effort to visit with her. I take her shopping sometimes but I could make more time for her. Her best friend of 33 years just passed away so she’s going to be a little more lonely than usual. She goes to middle church like a good Mennonite so she does have friends but I could put more effort into visiting with her.

Kyle texted me yesterday to see if I wanted to go to a social next month. I also suggested that we meet up for coffee or something again soon. He’s single now, that just dawned on me. I’m not interested in him that way. I don’t think he is interested in me that way either. He is the only platonic friendship that I have with another gay man. Even his ex and I were pretty flirty. Kyle was never threatened by that but Evan and I had some “tension” between us. I wouldn’t get with Kyle’s ex though. Bro code and such. I know that when Kyle and I first met he was a bitchy sassy queen to me and then, as usual, I was told that he was sweet on me the next day. I used to do that too. I would front by being a douche thinking that it was impressing people. That was a million years ago. Kyle is good for me though. He reminds me a bit of Ryan. Ryan was like an older gay brother to me. He was crazy smart and wise and always gave it to you straight! I miss him. I have his obituary wedged on the side of my mirror on my dresser. I don’t know how to take that down. I never cried over his passing. I can’t even bring myself to feel torn up about it. I think that I was mad at him. He lost his battle with his addiction and I blame him for it. I need to process that still. Addiction is a terrible disease and I have to accept it as such. I have to believe that everybody is doing their best… man, I just got chills. I suddenly remembered the time that he was over at my place after Cory from Glee passed away from his addiction. I remember Ryan sitting at the foot of my bed crying about it. Ryan was a fan of Glee and I guess that he also saw a possible outcome for his own addiction. That hit home for him. Ryan didn’t show up for his family’s Christmas dinner. He had a fight with them so they assumed that he snubbed them. Two days later his mother went to check in on him and he was found in his bed on his stomach holding his chest. He had a massive heart attack at 33. The paramedics explained that he had been deceased for at least two days. He passed away on Christmas day. That image tells me that he knew that he was having a heart attack. He must have been so scared… wow this entry got morbid. I tell this story all the time but that night on Christmas I was experiencing a weird panic attack. I felt dizzy drunk. I felt like I had the flu. My chest was beating so hard and whenever I would almost fall asleep I would stop breathing. Then my mind kept telling me that somebody was in my room with me. This happened in the next couple of nights also. Then I got the call that he passed away. He had the flu. He had been drinking again and his last words to Colleen that night was that he was going to take a gravol and go to bed. I feel like I was experiencing his death before anybody even found him. I spoke to a friend who was a Wiccan about what to do and so I asked this “presence” in my room to leave me alone. Then at his funeral, Colleen started telling me about these weird panic attacks she was getting… the same experience I was getting.

Speaking of being serious I can feel when I am avoiding things today. I feel desperate for an escape and that escape has been Skyrim lately. It’s like I place one habit with another. I will find a balance though! I will find my way back to being goal-oriented again. I think I’m ready to start grounding myself again. Assuming I can keep my spirits up. Not that I want to start telling myself that I need things to be happy and stress-free. I’ll slip back into the “Where are the things that I need to be okay? Why is it not here?!” Then I’ll act out in the usual ways that I do. I want to change. I want to be better than that and not let my ego be in control… I’m being existential again.

Somebody gave me the advice to get people to look at my resume. I think that I need to dumb it down honestly. It’s pretty dense for retail positions that I have applying for. I think that I will start applying to restaurants as a server. I wanted to avoid restaurants because I did that already and I hated it for 13 years. Blah, anyways. I hadn’t exercised in a week so I think that I will go do that before I run my errands. ta!