Restrictions in Current Events

I don’t know what it is about early mornings that feel so delicate. Nobody else is up yet, maybe that’s it? Leanne made reservations for us at Stella’s and I am trying to not feel nervous but I can barely help it. I’ve developed a bit of agoraphobia over these last few months. My bedroom is my safe place. I haven’t even left the house in days, to be honest. My car better work. I also actually looked at my face this morning, I knew my skin was going to be bad. I’m still recovering from my last run-in with dairy. Why do animals squirts have to be in everything? It’s mostly the minoxidil. I still use that on my face because I am trying to grow in a beard. This brand that I switched to causes breakouts. It works so much better than the previous one though. Then I made the mistake of looking at my body in the mirror. When did I build my self-esteem around looks? Beauty is a fragile thing to build self-esteem around. It fades. Why can’t I be smart?

Playing it safe is my problem, I was thinking about this yesterday. I can’t fail if I don’t try. I’ve given up trying. I feel like I am in no man’s land. I’m just so isolated. I don’t know what to expect with Leanne. We used to text almost every day and I stopped engaging. I don’t know how to connect to people, places and things the way that I used to. I say that in almost every entry now. I don’t know if it is growth or depression but it just feels like people identify me as somebody that I am not. It’s such a weird experience to feel like a stranger in your own life. Imposter syndrome much?

I’m starting to feel ready though. I feel like I am done “resting” or whatever this is. The purge, the dark night or whatever. I’ve worked through a lot of dense energies. I processed a lot of old thoughts & beliefs & feelings. It’s kind of like I started a new diet. I restricted what I consume but I didn’t add anything new. I’ve set myself up to fail as I starve. It should be about what I am adding to my diet in abundance and not about what I’m taking out. (Bad metaphor?) It’s okay though, I’ll fill my life up with plenty of good goods soon enough. Speaking of diets, I want my body to start tapping into ketones but I don’t want to do a keto diet so I’m going to start intermittent fasting. I want to build my way to a 72 hour fast. I’m in no rush for that though.

It doesn’t feel like a big list of things that I gave up since I turned thirty but a lot of it was actually pretty difficult to do.
-Smoking
-Junk food
-Eggs, meat & dairy
-Digital narcissism
-Facebook
-Gambling

I want to add alcohol to the list but it’s not that I quit forever. I used to drink wine almost every single day and that’s what I quit. If the occasion calls for it I will indulge but I was using it as a crutch so it had to go. It no longer serves me. There is more than what is on that list but those were the heaviest. I’m not bragging here, I only bring it up because there is one thing that I have been trying to quit that has been harder to do than anything else on that list. Watching porn. I don’t want to objectify men like that anymore. It’s not been healthy. I quit tobacco & cheese but I can’t stay away from pornhub? lol bruh. There are a lot of behavioural things that I want to quit but that’s another story. No wonder my doctor suggested that I see a psychotherapist. Blah, I got to go dig my car out now. Ta!