The Unknown in The day to day

Not sure where any of this is going. Husband has been back home since Sunday. Things have been awkward but still familiar. He’s looking for an apartment or house to rent. I keep hoping he will come to the realization that he’s making a big mistake. He went to his first counseling session last night for himself. I’m glad he actually followed through on that promise. Of course no big revelations after just one appointment. I hope he starts seeing them weekly and then maybe he will come to his senses. I know that is wishful thinking on my part. It may not turn out the way I hope and I am prepared for that.

I just went through the monthly bills and as long as he continues to pay the mortgage, I should be fine. Looking at the child support website, it seems that the mortgage amount is pretty darn close to what he would be paying in child support. I just don’t know if there is a legal way to write this up. I don’t know if we are for sure heading for divorce. But after looking at my finances I can rest a little easier knowing I can pay the bills as long as he does his part. My biggest issue with filing for divorce is that the house loan is in his name. I am on the deed to the house but I don’t know if there’s a way to transfer the loan into my name. Or if we can just write in the divorce that he will continue to make mortgage payments in lieu of child support. At least until our youngest is 18. Then after that I don’t know.

I am still getting upset at random times. I will think of something that may happen and burst into tears. Think of how I will have to do certain things alone and start to cry. I know I am a strong person and will get through this, I just wish I didn’t have to. If this continues to divorce, I hate having to basically announce to the world we aren’t together anymore. That here is this thing I failed at miserably. I know I shouldn’t think that way because this is all his doing, but it’s still a thought in my head.

I just wish I was enough.