What a start to the New Year in The day to day

So I have been wanting to get back to blogging for awhile now. But I haven’t had the notion to actually sit down and start again. Well the shit has hit the fan and I feel like this will be the best way for me to deal with everything going on. I even changed my profile name so I wouldn’t be able to be googled and figured out who I am by anyone. My other name was linked to just about all my other social media accounts.

Let me start by saying I had been wanting to start blogging again as a way to keep myself in check for my weight. Being open and honest but still a little anonymous hopefully would help me stay on track. I know I need to get it under control and I have literally tried everything. At this point in my life I am a whopping 272.6 lbs. That is so scary to write down. My height is 5‘8” just for reference. I am obese. I think I have a big problem seeing myself that way until I see my reflection or a picture of me. Then it always hits like a brick. I know I am big but when I am not actively looking at myself, I don’t have to be hit in the face with it.

I did not grow up always overweight or obese. I was a skinny kid. Once I hit puberty fully, I went from a 9/10 to a 13/14. I pretty much stayed that weight until I met my now husband. I was 21 when I met my husband. By the time we got married, 4 years later, I had gone up to a size 16. Hovering right around 200 lbs. He was skinny when I met him as well. By the time we got married he had also put on a few pounds.

Then a month after we got married, I was pregnant. I gained about 44 lbs from that pregnancy. I only lost about 10 lbs after the baby was born. And even though I was breastfeeding, which is supposed to help burn calories and with weight loss, I stayed at about 235. And I consistently stayed that weight until 4 years later when I got pregnant again. I gained about 25 lbs with that pregnancy. And again didn’t lose more than 10 lbs afterwards, even with breastfeeding.

5 months into our daughter’s life, she was diagnosed with cancer. She spent the next 8 months fighting for her life, ultimately losing her battle and passing away at 13 months old. Needless to say, all the time spent in and out of the hospital and being her nurse did not do well for my diet. I could not tell you what I weighed when she passed away, but I am sure it was around 260. I actually started Weight Watchers a year after she passed and lost 22 lbs. I was quite proud of myself.

My husband and I had decided to wait for at least a year before we decided if we wanted to try again for a baby. A year and 4 months after she passed we were ready to try again. It took a couple of months but I was pregnant again. I again gained 25 lbs for this last pregnancy, putting myself around the 260 mark or so again. I really don’t think I lost any of the pregnancy weight after giving birth. Even with breastfeeding.

Nothing I try seems to stick. The only thing that did work was Weight Watchers. I have been hypnotized. Did nothing. We have tried doing the paleo diet to the best of our ability. I have done intermittent fasting, which was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. Going to the Y to work out. I even bought the DDP Yoga app because my husband kept seeing all these success stories for it. We did like three sessions and both just quit.

Then just in the last week, my husband and I have separated after being together for 17 years (married for 13). It was unexpected and out of the blue for me. A big slap in the face. He has told me nothing I have done has caused this. It’s all him. I know that for a fact. I am an awesome wife, mother, and person. I know my weight isn’t the issue because he is definitely still sexually attracted to me. I told him he has to seek counseling for himself and we will go from there. I don’t know if we will end up back together or not at this point. It’s a very fresh wound for me.

All of this stress has actually curbed my appetite quite a bit. I have stress eaten in the past, but this kind of stress is actually making me more nauseous. So I am thinking maybe intermittent fasting will be the best approach for me right now. I did lose some weight on it last time but I wasn’t very good at making the best choices even in my window to eat. This time if I limit myself to healthy options maybe it will be more successful.

I am hoping writing about everything will help me stay on track and process everything else that is going on. My oldest child is 12 and understands. He’s seen me crying a lot lately and has been giving me hugs. We sat him down last night to tell him what was going on. He was crying. Our 4 year old doesn’t have a clue what is going on. But he can still feel the emotions surrounding everyone else.

I really don’t know what the future holds for my relationship. I know I am a strong person and will get through this. I am hoping this will kick my butt into gear to finally lose some of this weight. If I could make it down to 170 that would be awesome. 150 would be even better. I am welcome to any tips or insights for kick starting this weight loss journey.