Worked in stages in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Stage One:

As I was flipping through Tinder, as always pointlessly swiping left or right with the certainty that I’ll never actually figure out how these sites work, Martha appeared as a “suggested match”. My first feeling was shock. Flabbergasted, really. Then I looked at what photos she had used. Her first photograph on Tinder is her in her wedding dress by herself. Her second photograph is her shooting a handgun. Her third photograph is another picture of her in her wedding dress. I understand that she likely hasn’t felt beautiful since that day for her own reasons but… I was strongly taken aback. First, why would someone put Wedding Photos on a dating app? Second, those photos are 8 1/2 years old. So then my feelings were more… aggravated… that she would use such incredibly outdated photos. Like… it almost seems like borderline catfishing as none of those photographs are more recent than 5 years.

After a while, the surprise was gone and the judgement on her pictures was over and I thought, “Okay. This is actually okay. If she wants to see what she can get, God bless her. This is an important part of being friends. I want to know how her life experiences are going, hopefully she’ll learn to reciprocate.” And I mean it. Clearly, I’ve been about as much of a “catch” to the online dating community as a uranoscopidae… it will be interesting to see if Martha has a better go of it. In fact, I’m 100% positive she will. Friends should be able to talk to each other about this kind of thing. BUT it also means I’ll have to talk with her about the rule I have and hopefully one she’ll understand and agree to! RULE FOR BOTH OF US: we don’t bring dates back to the house while we’re both still living in the house. That is a rule predicated on mutual respect for each other and our situation. ALSO a rule that we should do… if we’re going to date and get involved potentially with other people in a sexual way… we need to get STI Check Ups (to prove clean bill of health) and we need to make sure our partners are clean as well. Just… if you play, play it safe.

Then my emotions went to two other places.
First New Place: This is how she looks for a new place to live. Go all the way back in your memory. She moved out of her boyfriend’s place and stayed with some friends.... one of those friends became her new boyfriend and she moved into his house with him… then she met me and wanted to be with me… I let her crash in a guest room for a month and then got her a place with friends of mine… she came down to DM and we helped her get a place… then “finding a place” became one of the many responsibilities I was tasked with for Omaha, Tiny Town, WDM, and here. So… yeah. “Find a new place” means “Find a new partner”.

Then I thought too deeply. I thought, “Since Martha knows I’m on Tinder… did she join up and use wedding photos to see if I’d match and if I’d swipe right??”

Either way… I have looked into the Apartments thing for Martha. I have given her 4 leads for a place to live. More leads will develop from the inquiries I have made. Short of actually calling these places to set appointments; I’ve done as much as I can. We’ll see what, if anything, Martha does.

In completely other news… a study has recently been published that proved what I have long suspected. “David Simon also notes that both high and low doses of marijuana are associated with an increase in women’s desire to be sexually active.” I’ve always suspected that. The girls doing pot in High School were more popular and had more questionable reputations and as I’ve aged, I’ve noted that “the hot girls, the fun girls, and the girls who are DTF are all very 420 friendly.” Which is great… in places where it is legal. Another area where Iowa, what with being completely controlled by the “Over 50” set, is going to fall behind.

It is only 8:30 but I’ve been at work for an hour as I’m trying to be “more present” since I’ve been missing work lately. That being said… my back and legs and shoulders are killing me. My body can feel the coming snow. Expensive though it may be, I may need to go pay for a massage again. ::eye roll::. Not that I have a problem paying for a massage but… the fact that the only back rubs I’ve really gotten in the last many years are paid for causes me to eye roll.

Already contemplating what I want tonight (versus what I’ll likely do). What I WANT to do tonight is stop at the store, grab a good bottle of whiskey and some Coke; come home and drink while watching anime and eating lasanga. What I’ll likely do is skip the store, drink water, and play video games. Because I’m trying to be a little bit healthier… and because I’d rather do something interactive.

SHIT… I don’t know how this happens, I don’t know why this happens. Sometimes, if my mind is wandering and I’m tired and I haven’t self-released recently… this happens. You see, sometimes I will close my eyes for a minute and an image will pop into my head. Clear as day. Vivid as memory. As though it were tattooed to my eyelids. This time? It was a beautiful blond woman in an ideal work appropriate outfit. Long blond hair to mid back; wearing a peach colored blouse, a black pencil skirt ending at mid-calf, nylons, and black heels. That is the image that just popped in there.

It’s funny. Honestly… despite the number of people here and elsewhere that love to accusingly ask “What are you doing to make the world a better place?!” I do have a decent answer. In my off time, I’m trying to work with my former therapist to create a Restorative Justice Program for our At Risk Youth who find themselves involved in juvenile crimes but can be rehabilitated. At my job, part of my juvenile docket is to actively work towards providing children better domestic experiences where they are not surrounded by narcotics or violence. At my job, part of my juvenile docket is to actively work towards providing child offenders the tools they need to grow as humans and learn better coping mechanisms as opposed to crime or violence. At my job, part of my adult docket is to actively intervene and attempt to give Domestic Violence Victims a way to safety. True, I get bloody furious at how many of them take that opportunity and use it as a weapon against me… but for every 100 women who attack me and treat me like The Evil Enemy, there is 1 that genuinely appreciates what we’re doing. At my job, part of my adult docket is to actively intervene and prosecute sexual offenders but more importantly make sure that (win or lose) the victim has access to proper Crisis Intervention and Mental Health support to cope and heal. More than that, I’m a passionate advocate for mental health reform… volunteered for Kamala Harris’ campaign… not to mention the myriad charity and church activities from 5 years old to 27. I have and continue to put effort into making the world a better place.

And yet… seeing the devastation in Australia? The increasing hostilities and inanities of American Politics? The danger to the UK by Brexit? The violent breakdown of Venezuela’s government? The Pro-Democracy riots in Hong Kong? The continued oppression of girls in Africa? The melting of the polar ice caps? It seems like there is so much going wrong across the entire planet that… wanting anything for myself seems… insulting and posh. But of course I do. I wish I could be in less pain. I wish I could be thinner and more attractive. I wish I could become stronger mentally and healthier as a person. I wish I could find an attractive woman that would teach me all the wonderful things I missed by never embracing my sexual side. I wish I could find an attractive woman that could show me what it is like to be loved in a supportive and healthy relationship. But yeah… that all seems selfish and shallow.

“The mind is a powerful thing and perhaps, tragically, nothing shows us this power more than addiction. Addiction to a drug like methamphetamine or crack-cocaine acts like an obsession or compulsion. A person in the throws of addiction isn’t likely to say, ‘I have no money for my drugs, I will not do them’. Nor are they likely to say, ‘Other people think less of me for this activity.’ Despite the activity being costly, harmful, and detrimental to the individual’s life in every way; they don’t reflect on the reasons to NOT do the action. If only those of us in other areas could harness that power. For all of us to select one or two things in life that would benefit ourselves or others and look to them and say, ‘No matter what, this is happening.”