Well... in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Well… things happened.

Therapist had to cancel on me last night because she was sick. I’m not upset… everyone gets sick. But I’m disappointed because I really needed to talk to her about ripping myself out of this damned emotional spiral. Instead, I decided to stop by the store on the way home and grab some tortillas, meat, and cheese. Figured do something with that for dinner. Grabbed some other “quick make” food for those days where I couldn’t muster cooking.

Came home and mentioned my cooking plan to Martha. Martha objected. She thought that the tortilla and meat thing needed “something more” and instead she really wanted pizza. Pizza… despite the constant complaints of “I’m fat.” So.... whatever. SO I said, “Okay. We’ll do pizza. But I need you to do three things tomorrow. First, you NEED to walk Nala. Second, if you want something additional for the meat/tortilla thing… you need to go pick that up. Third, since we’re doing pizza tonight and not doing any cooking things whatsoever tonight… you need to actively make or at least help prepare the ingredients for the Slow Cooker Lasagna recipe we’re experimenting with.” She assured me multiple times that she would do all three of those things.

Then… deciding “fuck it, this is what I wanted over the weekend and what my ‘fantasy’ for Monday had been” I decided to try the Banana Chocolate drink thing I had purchased ingredients for. This… was a foolish, stupid, ridiculous mistake. Because what I had not factored into my decision was… the drink itself is merely adding a 34 proof Chocolate Drink into a 99 proof banana drink. An extremely high alcohol content drink. And like an idiot, I didn’t pour it into a “sample glass” or even a “small cocktail glass”… I poured it into a pilsner glass. And then had 2. So I fell asleep hard and did not set an alarm. :( I woke up at 9:30 a.m. with the dog whining for me to feed her and let her out. Martha was, of course, still asleep. I got up, checked my work e-mail and voicemails to see if anyone was panicked about me not being at work; fed the dog, let her out, and decided sod it I’m going back to sleep. Work has been borderline pointless but for Juvenile work this week anyway.

Being in bed and dipping in and out of consciousness provided some… interesting perspective.
Martha did not get out of bed until after Noon.
Martha then watched 3 hours of Chiropractor videos on YouTube.
By 4:00, she had still not gone to the store nor walked Nala.
In fact, a little after 4:00, she leaves for the store and asks me to walk Nala because if I don’t, Nala won’t get a walk today.
I informed her how upset I was with her about that… being one of only three things I asked her to do. She attempted to tell me that she wouldn’t have asked if I hadn’t skipped work. To which I responded… “You watching YouTube for 3 hours has nothing to do with whether I was home or not,”

So… yeah. Martha went to the store. I walked Nala. At least when Martha came home she decided to “make it up” so that she did a lot of the work on dinner. So that’s nice… but still. This is pretty much what I’ve been talking about. Even so much as expressly saying “PLEASE DO THESE THREE THINGS” and walking the dog still doesn’t even get done. The Dog is a living thing that needs attention and care. And the one thing that Martha could not do… was the thing that did not involve Martha. Like… eating food? That involves Martha because she eats. Walking the dog? That is just strictly about doing something FOR a living creature because that creature needs it.

So that is my life right now. At work? Dealing with people who refuse accountability. At home? Dealing with someone that is almost incapable of caring for another living being. No wonder I’m so emotionally drained.