Nothing New in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I know this is nothing new. I’m back to repeating myself and looping again. I hate that. Life shouldn’t be about passively having things happen to you. Life should be something you actively participate in. No individual can control everything that happens to them; but so to- no individual is unable to control at least something in their life. I’m starting to think that this “control” concept is where some of my dour mood is coming from. At work… what control do I have? Sure, I have the ability to dismiss a criminal charge… but do I? Remember that when I have dismissed a charge because it was the law, I’ve had to fight back against the government and the media for weeks. So, I have very little power at work because… the cases come, I do what I am required to do, and repeat that for the next 40 years. At home… what control do I have? Short of turning a so-far amicable split into a riotous split, anyway.

Ultimately, I actually do know the answer to that last one. I should just completely remove the idea of Martha in my house from my mind. Do what I can to act as though she isn’t there. But ultimately… that won’t work. Because dishes, food shopping, laundry… those things combine and add.

It is funny. What I want most right now is a friend that can take me out to a bar, listen to me talk, distract me from all the bullshit and make me feel better. AND YET my brother just asked me to come hang out this weekend and I said no. Granted, there are a lot of reasons for that.
First: My Monday and Tuesday schedule for next week are insane. Seriously, certainly, “work all weekend” insane. I have 8 hearings on Monday and it shouldn’t be too bad but… when the DHS Reports get filed on Friday, I want to make sure all the details are taken care of. Not to mention, the dozens of things for Tuesday that I have to cover for my boss on short notice.
Second: I’m starting to embrace and understand that as awesome as my family is, I don’t know how to be vulnerable emotionally around most of them. I mean, before I met Martha… despite having gone through a truly traumatic relationship… my brother kept pushing the “Favreau from Swingers” character onto me. It felt like I was pressuring myself to “find a woman to be happy” and he was thrilled to push the “you’re right but you suck at it” button. I know that was 14 years ago but… it is tough being vulnerable around someone that I have such a history of him being critical.
Third: With work being a drain and homelife being a drain… going to my brother’s would feel… bad. He has a multi-million dollar company, a loving wife, and a beautiful child. I work for the government, am getting separated, and am likely never going to have a kid. I’m too emotionally exhausted to deal with that.

I guess ultimately… I need one of three things right now.
(1) A good friend to come into town, take me out, and get my mind off of everything; and/or
(2) A beautiful woman to call me up, take me out, and get my mind off of everything; and/or
(3) Shit to actually get sorted, straightened out, and resolved.

Clearly, the only one of those I have any control over is the Third Option. Which I will be working on. It’s just… aggravating. I’ve told Martha that our relationship doesn’t work for me. She’s told me that she wants to get a place and continue schooling. Yet… no forward movement. I’ve specifically told her that she’ll need to show me her plan and/or have a place by the end of the month. Yet even here, I am the one that is doing the leg work. Frankly, if I didn’t think the dog would suffer for it… I’d simply get a place for myself and take care of the damn thing that way. But no rental properties in this county allow pets and I’m not abandoning that dog to Martha’s apathy. So in the middle of trying to sort through work, sort through my own emotions, sort through my own fears and worries and emotional heaviness… I once again have to take care of Martha because anything that is uncomfortable, challenging, or potentially life-altering (good or bad) can’t just be left to her.

Other things that are emotionally beating me up these days?

Obviously the world at large. I mean… if Venezuela wasn’t enough… Puerto Rico… and of course Australia, and Brexit, and Iran, and Orange Motherfucker, and… the world is a heavy anchor in a sea of misery.

Then… I found a way to do the Kung Lao hat and had a genuine “I might actually be able to do this” feeling regarding cosplay. But when I told my mother and brother about the cosplay thing? Their first question wasn’t about budgets, or fabrication, or painting, or materials. Their first question was to tease me for not being thin enough or in good enough shape. Which… considering my history of body issues enhanced by Martha’s lifelong commitment to not touching me.... thanks. It’s always important when trying something you’ve been afraid to try that the people you care about immediately attack your most vulnerable concern.

So… yeah! That’s just where I am right now.

And I don’t like it.