Save Us All in General

Decade End Observations.

I started the decade in love. I end it pretty sure it is going to take divine intervention for it to ever happen again.

Gary’s Dad died yesterday and nothing in the way I was raised informs how the fuck I could possibly help. All I could say was “godspeed,” and repeatedly tell myself to shut the fuck up, because anything I said would be wrong and out of context.

I realized I am the only one of my tight little group that still has a father. It makes me a more than a little bit pathetically desperate. And more than a little soul weary.

I started the decade with a Bachelors degree and end it with one and a half Masters Degrees. That’s arguable because while not accredited, flight school is the equivalent of a post grad degree. Getting through the Fleet Replacement Squadron was a sheer torture of a year of twenty hour days, simulators, flights, tests. Fucking forgetting how to breathe sometimes because I was so exhausted. It could be argued I have 3.5 PG degrees. I’m not the dumbest. But sometimes I wonder.

I am thinking of trying to scrape up the money to make a trip to Key West, or maybe south Texas in February. Because winter has already become somewhat oppressive here.

Three months ago one of the best friends anyone could ever wish to have killed herself. That ache is right there every morning. Every time I want to send a joke, or even a spiritual observation. I realize she is not there. She is dust. As selfish as it is to say, I die a little bit in that realization.

My Christmas Tree is still up. It will come down tomorrow. Oddly enough, I smile when I come downstairs and see my sparsely decorated Christmas Tree. It reminds me of the magic of me.
Even if I were to die tomorrow, it would still be true. I did some shit. I had great loves. And I was magic.

Last updated January 01, 2020