I don't have Pinterest so I'll just post this shit here.... in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

2019 is over so there’s no need to talk about any of it. Well, you know, I’m making that choice until some trauma comes up and then I have to explain it. I’m predicting that’ll happen around March.

God, I hope I can make it three months without rehashing the past, that would be some kind of record.

I have less than two months before I go on my cruise to Mexico.... and I have a lot of things I would like to accomplish before then (body work, tanning, I’d like to have a functioning cell phone), but I have no idea how to do that when I have so much anxiety and exhaustion going on. I’ll just do the best I can and push forward because there seriously is some crushing anxiety in my future....

I also have to schedule a time to fly to Denver some time this month. I am participating in a clinical study for a new PKU treatment. Yes, there is a chance it could result in my death, but really, could that be the worst thing that would happen to me? No. However, that means I have to cease my current treatment which is why my anxiety is so crushing right now. It also doesn’t help that I’ve also finally tapered off most alcohol and caffeine.... so going cold turkey while ruining my brain chemistry is a FANTASTIC way to start 2020.

In two weeks, I begin student teaching at the community college and once I have completed about 2 weeks, I will have my certificate and can begin my new career. It’s going to be a real rollercoaster to see how this all works out considering I have to drive 45 minutes one-way to get to the college, so I’m not looking forward to that commute.

I have about a month to quit my current job, which means I have to line up something else to replace it..... fast. I have some options, but they are all online positions, which sounds great because it grants me an income and autonomy but there’s one problem.... I don’t have the internet at my place. That’s right, I haven’t had internet since 2015. So I have no idea how I’m going to get that going....

Once I return from the cruise, I need to have a plan in place for moving away.

I love how I tossed that out. “I have two months to plan the rest of my life”. I laugh because that’s how it sounds, but that’s really not what it is. I just need to have an exit plan firmly in place. I cannot keep living here. One of my goals for this year is to get rid of my car and give up my driver’s license so that I never have to drive again. Because I hate it. Aside from my mother, it is the greatest source of anxiety in my life and to be unburdened by that would be such a blessing even if it’s a financial hardship.

These are all balls that started rolling in 2019 that are all coming into fruition. These are the preliminary steps I took to claw myself out of my depression and get myself back to living my life. But making a list like that just is daunting.

But those are just the first three months of the year. I have much more planned in the long-term.

I want to finish editing and begin the process of publishing my novel this year. I also want to have cracked the plot of my second novel by the end of the year (finishing it isn’t a realistic goal, but if that happens, I’ll be thrilled). I would like to stabilize my sex life. The emotional turmoil I’ve had has greatly weakened every aspect of my life, and it’s time I really took a look at what the root is of that, where it comes from, and how I can move on from there.

I also want to spend a significant portion of my time NOT focusing on Joe, Edgar, Jonah, Ryan or any of the other heinous relationships of my past. They are gone. They aren’t my present, so they definitely aren’t my future. It’s time to accept that and stop dreaming of reconciliation.

I want to reconnect with Richard. As many problems as I have had with him, he has stuck by me for 15 years and I haven’t really treated him the way he deserves to be treated. We barely see each other once a month now and that’s unacceptable. Loneliness and nostalgia doesn’t erase the fact that we are close friends who have seen the best and worst of each other (my best definitely was in the earlier half of those 15 years). It’s time to respect that history.

So I guess that’s all I have to say about 2020 for now.