Fell In Again in Him

Not totally, but it’s there.

He seems good. He seems happy in his life, so why are YOU here?

But he keeps in touch. I stay away from his socials because I don’t want to really know. Give me the surface.
Anyway…

The church had a Christmas party last week and Him’s dad was there. Now, I did what I always did. I snapped a picture of the dad and sent it to the son. I, this time, had an opportunity to speak with the dad. I said to him I’ve never had the opportunity to speak with him before but wanted to introduce myself and let him know I was a good friend of (Hims name). He said “Him who?” And I said Him your son, and laughed a bit. He asked why I’m just now saying something. I reminded him I’ve only spoken in passing but never had the chance to. Then he asked me my name. They. Look. Exactly. Alike. It’s scary.

I told Him about the conversation. He told me, “Careful. That man’s eyes can see what I see in you.” This made me laugh. I am NOT trying to get caught up in THAT kind of mess, like EVER.

His mother passed away around this time a few years ago. I told him I’d be thinking of him and his family and praying for comforted hearts.

I never stopped caring about him, loving him. That’s just how I am. Out of sight, out of mind is not necessarily how I operate. Out of Sight, Cope While You’re Gone, Lose My Sh*t When I See You Again.

I’ve been in a tussle with myself since Thanksgiving. I’m behind at work, I’ve prayed for forgiveness. It’s only right. I’ve got to forgive myself. I’ve been stressed on all sides, but adding him “I’m coming back for you” “I’m going to be back at you shortly” is making me nuts.

I’ve got questions. I once asked Him what makes you come back to me? That question is actually legitimate now. Back when I asked it, it was based in ego dripping curiosity as well as letting him see how it felt to be on the receiving end of his own narcissism. But now it’s like…
You’re married. You made your choice, you’re content, right? Why are you here? Why do you miss me? Is it because I’m not your everyday and the oasis and peace idea seems like you lost out? Why are you here?

A conversation will clear it up.
It has too.

And I know he’s missed me for a long time. He’s been married 3 or 4 years. At least 3 of them, he’s made his feelings obviously known.

“*What do I do with the nights, without you by my side, that use to be yours and mine?”

Peace and Light…