Cathexis in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

So I’ve been seeing this guy for like two weeks and it’s weird to finally be dating. I know this is going to sound stupid considering how I bitched for years and years about wanting to date, but I’m not sure this is really for me. His name is Gino and he’s this hairy muscle guy who’s like six years younger than me. He’s really into me, which is confusing, and we have a really great time together.

I just don’t feel that spark. He’s hot and the sex is good, but I’m not smitten. Part of me feels stupid, like those kinds of feelings are for young kids… which sounds dumb because I’m in my mid-thirties, but I’ve been in love before. Twice. I know what all-consuming passion feels like and I don’t want to settle for something just because I don’t want to be alone.

I can’t explain it but there’s very little that I can do occupy my time right now. Since I’m still intentionally ruining my health for the sake of that study, all I do is sleep all the time (one of the side effects that I don’t really mind). So I’m sleeping about 16 hours a day now, which suits me just fine because it gives me an excuse to get out of things. The problem with constantly hibernating is that it takes me much much longer to get simple tasks done.

I guess that doesn’t matter in the long run, but I wouldn’t know exactly what I need to get done anyway. The revelation that it would actually be easier for me to go directly to Paris to find work has me in kind of an existential crisis.

In my head, I’ve always seen the life I want for myself in Paris… it always seemed like something that was very far out of reach. I went through the hoops to get this incredibly difficult position several years ago that fell through and sunk me into a deep depressions. But that denial was an illusion, in fact, it was kind of a blessing. Working for the government in that capacity would have put a cap on how much I could earn once I was there and then limit the amount of time I could legally stay in the country.

I now know why I got the position and place that I specifically asked for when I was one of 1500 applicants jockeying for 1100 positions… I mean, you know at least several hundred people put “Paris” as their requested work location, and somehow I got it… there were only 16 positions in Paris and that’s less than a one percent chance I’d get what I wanted, and I did. Because I was grossly over-qualified for the position.

The realization that one of the biggest disappointments of my life was actually a case of “they need you more than you need them” was a staggering one. Sometimes it’s just a shift in perspective that turns the world right-side-up.

I spent this whole weekend watching this ridiculous Thai soap opera (I’ve been really into them ever since Netflix shoved Bangkok Love Stories: Innocence in my face), and I got so into this one, I had to illegally watch the other episodes because Netflix only had the first season (which was 12 episodes) so I had to illicitly watch the second season (of 36 episodes). Love Sick is really cute and I just thought it was the sweetest thing ever. Phun is like the ideal boyfriend, seriously.....

Whatever. I’m meeting Gino for dinner and then a workout (at the gym, ladies) so I’ll see y’all later.

But maybe I should watch SOTUS S when I get back home......