Two of Six in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

(Written from my phone)

Today, I am being a little bitch. But I would argue that it is justified! You see, I am using a sick day today. I don’t feel too bad about that since my boss and one of our staff got an extended Xmas Break but… I feel bad about it from the perspective of I hate letting my condition affect me. But, much like arthritis and other pain conditions, extreme weather changes just RUIN me. And considering we went from 60 degrees to 24 degrees in a matter of 12 hours? Yeah! My back and legs are feeling mighty uncooperative today!

In other news: I have sent messages through OKCupid and FetLife and still do The Swiping through Bumble, Tinder, Zoosk, and POF. Talk about a new level of ambiguity in rejection! Back in the day, if a woman said no… the ambiguity only went so far as to the reason and follow up. Was it “no, I don’t like you” or “no, I’m too busy” and was it a situation where it would be allowable to ask again at a later date? NOW the ambiguity is much more! Did they receive the message? Or did they see The Swipe? Are they a non-paying member and have limited access and functionality so as to be unable to interact? Are they super busy and have not checked the app in some time? Was the account a bot? Was my message too formal? Did I come on too strong? Or too weak? Did they review my photo and reject for failure to attract? Did they review my profile and reject for failure to seem interesting? So… ambiguity.

Now, despite all of that? I am not at a place yet where I am really all that upset or irked about it. Martha isn’t out of the house yet and I haven’t had much chance to implement my “follow your interests, focus on self” plan yet. Those two are BIG pieces to the puzzle of 2020 for me. I mean… I’m not going to be actively dating while Martha still lives in the house as that would seem unnecessarily cruel. And a big, giant, super, mega, mondo, huge focus for me needs to be “appropriate self-focus”… cultivating my own sense of self, learning to embrace ME without needing others to define me or my worth. That is an incredibly important part of what I need to focus on for the next 6 months (at least).

BUT while keeping all of that in mind… I can still participate and comment on the problems and ambiguities of The New Dating Scene. That being said? One thing I’ve been thinking: I am crap at selfies. And the “selfie game” is a massive part of The New Dating Scene. One solution? As I begin to go out, be more social, make friends, and engage in life more… pictures are sure to flow naturally. As pictures are taken to document “fun times”… not only will I have MORE pics for profiles, but those pics will also establish that I am a guy that knows how to have fun.

Lastly? The repairs in the house are finally, of slowly, getting addressed. Internet has been temporarily repaired (with assurances of a permanent repair come spring). Electricians came out and fixed our lighting situation. So now all we need is our washing machine fixed. Which is frustrating as the washing machine has already had the most work done to it and, despite the work, it is currently MORE broken than when we first called a repairman! I am very happy for lights. But we have been without a washing machine now for MONTHS and that is just shitty. SO fingers crossed that we can get it fixed before 2020. Or, despite Martha’s protestations I will simply buy a replacement washer/dryer and be done with it!

Oh, thinking of 2020, though… I am debating something with myself. Do I try to have sex with Martha on New Year’s Eve? See… part of me thinks: Martha is finally embracing sex in your relationship now that it is ending, grab that as much as you can! She withheld to an extreme degree so now that it is available, grab with both hands! But of course the other part of me thinks: That is a good way to send mixed signals! ‘I want you out of my house, let’s fuck’. We’re better than that. And we owe Martha and ourselves better than that. Everytime you have sex, whether it is acknowledged or not, is another little drop of hope to Martha that things can go back to the way they were… and we don’t want that. Think with your brain, not with your dick.