Ground in Current Events

I woke up feeling good again. Maybe it is the meds? I also woke up at noon which is seven hours away from the time that I want to be getting up. I want to join the 5am club. It’s my new gaming addiction. I’ll find a balance. I want to be aggressive tomorrow. I’ll start today but I am so far off track from my goals. I’ve put absolutely everything on the backburner. I’m still applying for work, it’s just the waiting game. I don’t know what to do with myself and I don’t want to be anxious. The Christmas shuffle is over so I will start calling around tomorrow. It’s like, I am trying not to develop the belief that I need a job to be happy because I know that I can just decide to be happy. I’ve done it! I just have a lot of external problems so it’s hard to have faith right now but it’s there! All of my problems have the same solution and that’s just finding a damn shitty job. I said before that I was on the verge of either having a breakthrough or a breakdown. So far it’s not a breakdown. It’s like, I had anxiety when I had a job and I still have anxiety without a job so it’s not the content in my life giving me anxiety. It’s the context.

My favourite time of the year is next week. I feel excited. The New Year New Me energy in the world. It’s beautiful. I’m not a make a new year resolution kind of guy but I love being around that energy. I also have a day planner that I used to work on every Sunday so that I could have that New Year New Me vibe for myself every week. I’ve had quitting my last job as a new year’s resolution for years and I guess I can finally cross that off lol. 2019 was a big year for me. I’ll write something about it soon. Everything fell apart but it had to. I truly believe that this was meant to happen. That 2019 happened for me not to me. I learned so much about myself and about life. I’m in no man’s land right now but I feel ready to return to the real world and reintroduce myself to it. I feel ready to embrace my new self and to start grounding.

My birthday is coming up. It will be next Monday. 34 times around the sun, can you believe? There is an East Indian restaurant that I haven’t gone to yet so I am aiming to have a little get together with my friends there. I haven’t been talking to them much, or at all these last few months but I feel ready to reach out to them again. I still don’t know how to relate to them or how to connect to them because I feel like I have imposter syndrome but that’s ok. They’ll still identify me as my old self so I’ll just reintroduce myself? So to speak lol. I’m not making any sense. I realized a while ago how I created a character of myself to get through my social anxiety in my twenties and I’m not that character anymore. I don’t really know who I am these days but that’s a good thing. It’s going to be an adventure figuring it out.

Bev asked me a question that I am going to obsess over in 2020. What would you do if you knew that you couldn’t fail? I have been thinking about what my life would look like if I wasn’t afraid to go after everything little thing that I wanted. If I didn’t have that habit of hesitating. I really feel that I could test myself here by getting myself to the gym. That is an environment that terrifies me. If I can make that place my bitch then I feel like I can do anything. I know that my social anxiety comes from being a loner. I don’t have a pack. I didn’t grow up feeling like I belong because some people in society need me to be something that I am not. Straight. I have other issues but that’s just an example. I’ve processed all of those feelings! I’m not complaining. I learned how we all have an innate desire to belong. To create a family or join a social circle, to be in a pack and I’ve just always been alone. I’m not lonely but I don’t have that security of having a pack. I feel vulnerable and insecure when I’m in environments that are new. Mel robbins explained this better but it was such an epiphany. This is all in my head and there are two places that absolutely terrify me and that is school and the gym. Male energy is what I am afraid of. I also know where that comes from but that’s for another entry. I’m just such a dweeb and I know it but I want to prove to myself that I can be in an environment that I can’t control and be ok. That would be the gym. When I think of the gym I create an image of being around a lot of toxic males and that intimidates me. Threatens me in a way. That fear obviously comes from being picked on for being gay. I’m a grown man now and I can let go of that fear. It served me in the past but it no longer serves me now. I can let it go.

Anyways, I should go do something now lol.