one year in Bittersweet

one year ago today i tried to kill myself. Clearly i didnt finish the job. I went home in tears sick over everything.
This time this year i feel the same way. I have days where im good and days where im terrible. The handful of people who knew about it, did the general motions. Saying im so sorry. And leaving it at that. It hurt them that i felt that way. But lets be frank here, No one has checked in at me since. No one has said are you managing. I know im a blip on the radar and it really drives it home. I confessed my troubles to select few and no one worried much beyond what i said that day.

I guess it hurts more too. Because i hoped the people i did talk to would care more.
But its fine, Everyone has busy lives. Things going on that are bigger then someone else. I do get that. I think i need to make a point ot check in more with them too.

One year still alive. That is something. Between medication and working on lifestyle changes. Aside from moving across the country lol.

The kids are fighting today which makes me so stressed. My parents are sleeping, my sister and her husband are stoned. Im hoping i can get the kids to sleep before 1 so i can have time to wrap my gifts. Yeah im always waiting on someone else. Because im the only damn one managing these kids! Tomorrow is Christmas and they will be distracted by gifts at least. Then T will be home tomorrow night at 11. And at least then ill have someone else around for a few hours a day… He starts work on the 6th so it wont be for long. Then im on my own all over again with the kids…
Sigh.

I hope your Christmas prep is going wonderfully.
I got my pies, fudge and minty fudge made. Roast beef pulled out and defrosting. Ready for cooking tomorrow. Guess who is doing ALL that prep work for all 13 people. Thats right. me…
I need a vacation.