emotional unraveling in Second 1st

I’m not sure what I’m missing and what I’m not.... the last few weeks have been so strange. Like something happened and everything is on the other side of a fog. I now I’m bad about these bouts of not posting then piling things up and avoiding things.... until they can’t be avoided.... and I have like at least 40 or so entries to read.... sigh I’ll get to that.... sorry you guys.... at least I do this consistently right? I mean it’s expected....

So, Sammy did not come to Christmas… he had the chance to appear as “a friend” at his boyfriends family thing. Things went a bit awkward .... his boyfriend is not out to his family. The parents know but are in complete denial. How do I know they know? .... well Sammy told me that while sitting next to his boyfriend watching a movie on the couch his mom texted him to ask Sammy to move because it was making her uncomfortable. Sammy had stayed the night on the couch and spent the next day with him but wasn’t feeling well when it was time to go. Sammy’s boyfriend asked if Sammy could stay another night and it was a flat NO answer. Sammy is okay with this. He feels no reason to pressure the boyfriend to come out especially because he really only sees family at holidays being as they are both in college and all. However, Sammy’s (and Rocky’s) mom made Sammy feel really bad about not coming here so Sammy had called me to tell me he would be going to meet Adam’s (bf) family. He said he wouldn’t be coming partial due to the fact that him and mom fought about it a bit and he was still ticked and would have no fun being here with her at that point. I laughed in my head but with a smile told him it wasn’t an issue and I hope the meet went well .... “good luck”...... and all. I think his mom can be so stupidly selfish. Honestly having Sammy there as support Adam very well might have (and will someday) come out to his parents.... but even though mom has had a big part in oppressing Sammy and forcing him to come out .... she doesn’t understand the emotional .... unravelling that has to be....

On that note I’ll tell another “quick tale” and then it will for sure need a distinctive new entry as it honestly should be an entry in itself ..... but the emotional unravelling.....

We went to a used book store to check on if they had any Dungeons & Dragons books I don’t have yet. After searching we wandered through the kids books for no reason. Rocky picked up a book and showed it to me.... there it was.... 34 years.... 34 years and as I thumbed through the book and glanced at the illustrations I got angry?.... Angry.... so I bought it. $1. Threw it in the back seat of my car and said “that’s enough therapy today.”....

I was 5. We had a house in the middle of a small town on the main road that drove right through it. Population wasn’t even enough to be considered a town.... but a township. Everyone knew everyone. The most popular police officer would sit outside the bar up the street at night and offer rides to the willing and pull up behind drunks as soon as they put the keys in the ignition (Officer Brown). We lived right next door to the Fire station. My grandmother owned a set of houses all the same color (white siding with green trim and a black shingled roof). My uncle lived ön the other side of town” roughly 10 blocks away. Post office was 2 blocks from home and I was walking to get the mail alone before we moved when I was 8. My dad and my uncle both rented from my Grandmother as well as an old man who lived behind us and another family behind them on the side of the street going away from the main road.

The family in the back had a 16 yr old son who would occasionally watch us. My sister would have seizures sometimes when she was little and my parents would have to take off to the hospital randomly so he was really just there and easy to rope into watching us randomly. Then there was that time.... I was in the “playroom” playing.... reading really. Looking back I could have sworn the book was “bringing home a baby”.... but that’s not important. The thing is that the guy had yelled for me to come downstairs 3-4 times and I had told him I was reading. I remember being so tired and mad at him for calling me I had thrown the book, it hit the wall with the corner I remember it being so loud that when later recalling what had happened I thought it was a board book. I went downstairs and then… then he asked me to do things I’d like not to repeat right now. .......

but this book.... I’m going to burn it in effigy..... I’m going to destroy it in pleasure. I know it’s not the books fault it’s just a symbol. I feel it will do me some good..... whenever I do it. They are not feelings I like to visit. I do well without them.... it is an emotional unraveling I would like to take on sometime soon.... who knows maybe it’s a key to so many things.... ya never know.