8. Mistakes were made in Space Skeleton FROM SPACE

I’m in the doghouse with my wife although she’s being pretty cool about it.

I type this from my bed. I haven’t put any clothes on and I’ve only left the bed for rudimentary mundane things such as abluting and throwing up, and oh boy have I ever been throwing up!

Actually, hold that thought - I should probably put a TMI warning here.

WARNING - I’m probably about to be disgusting.

So last night I got drunk. And when I say “I got drunk” you best fucking believe I got jackhammered. Let’s see - I had four, scratch that, three bottles of King Goblin, a 6.6% ale brewed in the depths of Mordor. I had four bottles initially but one broke inside my prized Legend of Zelda rucksack, which was a special treat for me. Then I drank half a bottle of expensive mead, before a guy who asked for a goddamn cigarette (yeah I was smoking, more on that later) knocked the fucking thing over and shattered it, golden honey wine all over the fucking pavement. Glorious. Thanks for that. So, in an increasingly bad mood because I had no alcohol left and the last of my money went on cigarettes (you twat) I cycled home and proceeded to the bottle of whatever-it-was wrapped up as a Yule gift from my wife. No, it’s not Yule yet, abut dear God I’m an arsehole, so, I opened it and my suspicions were correct - it was indeed a bottle of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Gold. Groovy.

So the rest of last night was a blur. In fact it’s still a fucking blur because I am now suffering from the single worst hangover of my entire existence. I’ve managed to stop the puking and the shitting, thank God, but the world is still spinning. The absolute worst part of this, beyond me smoking and getting hammered and leaving my wife alone all night, is that fully fucking deserve everything I’m going through right now and I hate knowing that. Selfish to the very end, that’s me.

Anyway, the wife is a saint. I hadn’t done that kind of thing in a while and she knows that, being that I work from home and contracts are drying up, I’ve been alone at home during the days recently doing fuck all and she knows I needed to get out.

But I owe her one. Christ, I owe her more than one.

Anyway, so, there it is - an evening of misadventure. Just another escapade in the life of a stupid mad bastard. Cheers.