I'm what's left in These titles mean nothing.

I am the only one left from my family now. No one else remembers what I remember. I am 73 and my mother died at 48 and my brother at 69. My dad lived to be 82 so I suppose I may have more years ahead of me.

When I was catching sheets at KG and had a lot of time to think, I determined 78 to be the ideal age to die. I wouldn’t be TOO old or TOO young. My money should last, maybe even my health would last. Of course if I want to die of natural causes I could have to work up a cause of death. Even if I died of unnatural causes, I’d still need a cause.

I realize this is a silly and self indulgent subject. Even five years in the future is a long time. Much can happen. Much will happen. There is no guarantee that whatever happens will be good though.

But as an exercise in planning, what would I do to make things best for those I leave? I always end up thinking of my books, but I have no idea what to do with them. I suppose I could sort out ones that might have some value to someone else.... not sure how I would determine that though. My brother said a book had some value as heat in a wood stove. I could take five downstairs every day and toss them in - one at a time - with a kiss for Condo Marie.

I have a few decent antiques, manly dishes. I could invite Mike’s family to come and pick out what they want. Perhaps letting Deb and Katie, my own family, have first choice.

But do I want these things - my books and my dishes and the plate rack and the buffet and the gun that hangs on the wall - to leave this place? No, not really.

I must see some future for the house, the farm, the accouterments, I must want them to live on.

I could make a will. If I don’t have a will half of whatever there is - the gun, the dishes, the books go to each of my sons. They can decide what to do with it. In a way that’s the attractive, easy thing to do. Let them decide.

There is the idea too that I might be of some help to someone. That my life is a good thing and maybe I should try to hang on. I need to help Jim with Joana. But otherwise I do not see myself doing much good in the world.

https://imgur.com/NUBN4mY

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I probably don’t mean a word I’ve written here. Or maybe I do. Maybe I mean some of them but not others.

Toss a handful of confetti in the air. See if the breeze carries it away. Hold your breath.