Fear in Ultimate Randomness

There isn't much I wanted to talk about tonight. Just a couple of things. The first is something I talked to my coworker at the cafe about earlier today. So there is this show on Showtime called Gigolos. It sounds kinda stupid and I will admit, the first time I watched it was because I was looking for the after midnight shows on cable. And while the sex stuff is interesting, it isn't the thing that keeps drawing me back to the show. The funny thing is, I keep getting drawn back because of the insights these guys have into what makes women tick. It makes sense when you think about it. If a guy hires a prostitute or goes to a bordello or what have you, it is generally for one thing: sex. We are not hard to figure out. We may want companionship, and love and these other things, but I think the guys who normally want those things are not the ones going to the Bunny Ranch. Women on the other hand, particularly those who hire a gigolo, seem to be just normal women in general who are just looking for something that is missing, even if only for a short time. And these guys get that they are not just there to be sex objects. Sure, that is part of it, but the other part of it is to make a connection to give these women that something that they are missing in their lives. Frankly, as strange as some of the situations they end up in are, I kind of admire these guys. Not just because they are in shape and are happy with their lives and manage to have sex more in a year than I have in my whole life, but because they just seem to get what makes a woman tick. I wish I had that skill, but the fact is that women have to be interested in you to build that understanding and to gain those skills. That is what leads into why I titled this entry the way I did. I am starting to get afraid. Not because I expected to find someone by now, because I know better than that. It is a process, a long one, and it will probably be some time before it happens. No, what I fear is the change I see in myself every day. I am scared because every day, I become more disillusioned. Every day, I become a little more bitter. Every day, that anger at my life stirs in me more and more. And all the words in the world from all the people I care about seem to have an impact less and less. I am genuinely afraid that I am starting to hate women. I don't mean to offend anyone and it is definitely not aimed at anyone. But what I mean is that I almost feel like I have lost all ability to trust again. On the one hand, I do want to be happy and I do want to find love, but every day that goes by, I believe in it happening less and less and I really am afraid that, even if the opportunity ever presents itself again, I will just let it all pass by. I am afraid that I just want to erase my life and start over. The passion I had for school is just gone and I don't think I am going to get it back in time to do any good, if at all. The passion for life is just not there. I really just want to go to a job, earn enough money to take care of myself, and just crawl into an apartment by myself and let the world pass me by. I almost just want to be completely alone. Still, I wonder about that. If I really wanted that, would I be writing on this site? Maybe, but I don't know for sure. In any case, I am afraid of what I am becoming. I did not want to change and I know most of my friends and family don't believe I have or will change dramatically, but I am not as sure about it as I was before. My faith in life and love is fundamentally shaken. I don't know if anyone gets out of that positive and unchanged. We shall see.