I'm Not Okay? in Current Events

All hell broke loose in my mind this morning. Everything I’ve been holding back just went supernova, yet again! My anxiety attacks are getting worse. My sister was trying to help calm me down earlier. I ended up pacing back and forth in my room for half an hour before I took it outside. It’s snowing out, it’s beautiful and peaceful but I can’t calm myself enough to enjoy it. I went into the wooded area by my house, which is where I walk often and I stopped for a moment to try and pray. Pray? Me? I need guidance! I need answers! I need help I said out loud. Nobody was around to see me acting like a crazy person, thank god. There are three trails that link up and I was at the intersection of that. I headed toward the bushy path and I suddenly felt watched. I knew exactly what that meant because this always happens. There was a giant buck standing between the trees just feet from me trying to blend in. He was also preparing to charge, either at me or away from me. Oddly enough, deer are my spirit animals. Do I take that as a sign? I at least took it as a sign to turn around and walk away. I always feel their presence before I even look for them. I swear that this is true!

My A&D is triggered because I am keeping a secret from everybody. The secret being that I am not okay. Pardon the My Chemical Romance moment I just have been hiding from the shame that is my life. I waited too long to look for work. I thought that it was going to be easier than this. I applied for everything that I wouldn’t hate in my part of the city and nothing. I could call them all? They all staffed up for the holidays and all those seasonal positions are expiring soon anyway. I reached out to Marissa, I’m e-mailing her my resume and she is going to give it to her manager and put in a word for me. I asked Nathan to put in a word for me at his bulk food store. I’m going to apply at the thrift store and Danielle will put in a word for me too. That’s all that I can think of for now. I feel weird asking people for help. The crisis I have is that I haven’t told my roommates that I am out of money. I owe them a rent payment next Friday. Matt will be home soon too and I don’t know how to have that sit down. I wanted to have that sit down while I was just hired somewhere so I could just say that rent will be late. If I was just hired somewhere I would try and borrow money to make that rent payment to hide the truth even longer. It’s the hiding that is causing me these attacks. I can only blame myself and I have been emotionally preparing myself for the worst things everybody can say in response… which is super healthy.

I was so proud of myself at the beginning of this year then things happened that created chaos and drama and upsets and it was all for the best. At least that is what I am telling myself. The job I had I hated for 13 years and I went and saw a therapist because I did not know how to move on from it. Then Ganesha removed those obstacles from my life and now I’m being forced to grow into the person I want to be… but I need income STAT. I need to open up and tell people about my situation. I need to tell my roommates and my family so that the shame doesn’t eat me alive.

I’m going to visit with Bev this evening and I’m going to pour my heart out and ask for advice. She’s literally training to be a life coach right now, this might actually go well? She is the only person in my life that I can connect with. I can’t relate to my other friends, I have bad imposter syndrome. She’s just been with me through all of this growth these last few months. It’s funny, just when I was questioning the laws of physics because of synchronicities that were happening aggressively, she texted me out of nowhere. She told me that she and her husband are separating and that she is moving back to Winnipeg with her kids. After we talked she said that I was full of great advice and she said that she was going to keep me around because she felt that I would be good for her. I was like, did the universe pair us up to support each other through these big changes in our lives? I literally just lost my job when she texted me. I helped her move, find work and I was part of her support system. I guess I can be a burden for an evening? Not that I feel entitled to it whatsoever. I feel dirty honestly.

By the end of this weekend, I should, in theory, unburden myself and come clean to everybody. To those people who need to know anyway. If those three peeps come through and at least get me an interview, great! I just need an interview! I’ll win anybody over if they just sit down with me and talk about myself and my resume. I applied at nine places a few days ago and I haven’t heard anything back. I just tried three more and I have a few more ideas so I should just get that done right away. I’ll call around on Monday about the status of my applications, I know I’ll get rejected but I prayed for a Christmas miracle today and maybe something heard me.

I feel 10% better just typing about it. OK… I better go shower, it’s been a few days.