Broken Strings in Current Events

Took a long hard look at my life
Lost my way while I was fighting the time
A big black cloud, stormy sky
Followed me, oh I was living a lie

So heartless, so selfish, so in darkness
When all your nights are starless
You’re running outta hope
But I found the strength inside to see
Found the better part of me
And I’ll never let it go

I’ve come a long, long way
Made a lot of mistakes
But I’m breathin’, breathin’
That’s right and I mean it, mean it

This time I’m a little run down
I’ve been living out loud
I could beat it, beat it
That’s right, cause I’m feelin’, feelin’
Invincible

Those lyrics are from Invincible by Hedley. Last night I dreamt that I was playing my guitar and singing this song in my room. The dream felt so real… until Max Schnieder joined me and started Magic Miking to himself in my mirror. I was super annoyed lol. Cancel culture got Hedley taken off the air and I forgot about them. This song got my emo ass through my last dark and strange time. It’s so weird that my subconscious dug this up. I also regret that I never continued my guitar lessons. Nathan offered to teach me how to play, he wanted somebody to strum along with. He’s a super lonely guy, it was very off-putting to me (I’m evil). He also offered to change my first string for me, I keep breaking them when I do it myself. I hesitated to accept the help as always because I don’t feel good about accepting help. I have on string left and I don’t want to fuck it up so my guitar has just been collecting dust. Currently, I’ve opened myself up to help. Bev has been super supportive and I’m just rolling with it and I’m trying not to feel small because of it.

I absolutely need to fill my family in on everything that is going on with me. I’ll get around to that. I hope. Yesterday I felt like I rose up from the dead because I actually left the house for the first time in a week. It was just to get groceries and to finally fill my prescription. The synchronicities were strong yesterday. Also, out of nowhere, my mother sent me a text of a Pinterest quote. Always remember that your present situation is not your final destination. The best is yet to come. Then the radio played Winter by Vivaldi which is my favourite classical piece. Always puts me in a better mood.

I applied at thirteen places last week. I have a list of ten more that I want to apply at today. One of which is at the tax centre. Everybody keeps telling me to apply for government jobs because of the employment equity act and so they are convinced that I will get hired right away. Worth a shot. I think I need to update my resume. I made it pretty dense and it screams management and I think that I need to add another page to include the million other things that I can do that are not manager related. I haven’t done a job search in thirteen years and I’m annoyed at how everything is online. The game has changed and they got rid of the first impression which sucks. I’m sure this younger generation feels it is to make things fair. I say it is because this new generation can’t do shit without a filter. What was wrong with the dog eat dog way of things? lol, I kid. I’ll adapt. I’m not that old yet where I hate everything that changes.

I’ve had the flu for a week now. I finally woke up feeling better today. Not 100% but I am aching to exercise. I ain’t done nothing but play Skyrim for a week. I didn’t have the energy for anything else. I haven’t eaten right either which is stupid of me. It’s just been pasta all week. I look pregnant! I’ve just been too addicted to Skyrim. Even right now it’s all that I want to do but I know that if I start I will not stop. I’ll figure out how to balance that. I’m a noob to being a gamer lol.

So yeah, today I’m going to workout, meal prep and then grab my journal and write a complete list of absolutely everything that I am avoiding. Big things like finances to small things like putting air in my tires. Then I’ll turn that into a checklist. It’s going to suck and be uncomfortable doing it all but I’ll have to remind myself of how good it will feel to get everything it out of the way. This evening I will work on my resume and throw them around online again. Then I will start my anti-anxiety prescription tonight as well.