Run in Bittersweet

Ever feeling like just running away and changing yourself. Your name, your life.

But the truth is everywhere you go you take yourself with. You have to change yourself inside in order to really change.

It really makes me feel like i need to delete this stupid facebook, remove my traces from online… Just change my name, start over online but there is a lot to start over haha. Even that feels daunting, but it still seems sometimes like such a good idea.
I have business pages that are in my name. There is the legality of it, operating a business must be done under my name. At least a legit one. But no reason i have to go by that name… However ive never had a nickname haha. Its always just been me.

I know a lot of this is stemming from my former friend too. Im having a hard time letting it go. I guess i dont sit well with threats over my head and im trying SO hard to just let it go. I think it boils down i need someone else to invest in friendship wise. I have the hubby and kids of course. But you cant speak to kids like they are adults about adult things, and the hubby and I have a really strange relationship. Any time i vent ot him, he gets pissed saying all ive done for the last 17 years is bitch at him. Even when we try to have a conversation, if i say one thing that can be perceived as negative. He says im bitching. From things like me commenting on how flat the land is here. Im used to mountains and trees, so flat is something else.

Sometimes i wonder how we are still married and make things work… He says he cant vent to me, because i cant handle it. I take medication to handle it. Yeah there are plenty of times im too overwhelmed and cant handle the stress. But its my job. I really think he likes to make himself seem like he is doing so much more by refusing to talk to me. Arent you supposed to lean on one another? I guess it is what it is.

On the plus side i think i know what to get the nephew. Little girl made soap last night and was so excited. Now he wants to make soaps. So i think im going to get the melt and pour stuff and a mold from Michaels. Then he can make a few bars of his own soap. And i can use it to make some of the soaps my auntie loves and send them back to Alaska. I think my mom may like them too but she isnt a fan of lavender so ill have to use something else for oils.
Not sure what to get the older nephew. Hes a bit more like my older boys. Just wanting computer stuff. I went ahead and blew my credit card and just got a few things they loved. Things like the hoverboards they were asking for. I got two. Now im debating do i need 2 more. Or should i try to make them share. Hubby says sharing wont work. We would need four. I cant help but think they have to share some shit right! Ugh. I can afford to get two more on my credit card… Im paying it off next month when the hubby gets a good paycheck.

Im really torn and hes being useless. Do i buy two more hoverboards. Do i shoot for two electric scooters? Do i just drop it and let it go and see if the older boys loose interest.... What do i do lol!

Cancel christmas. Take it all back. Im done! lol.
ot really. But sometimes i wish!